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Showing posts with label About Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Humor. Show all posts


Top 20 Barbie Dolls That You Most Likely Haven't Seen On Store Shelves

1. Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)
2. Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)
3. Burqua Barbie (Complete with black dress and veil that hides all but her eyes)
4. Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)
5. Hippie Chick Barbie (with bell bottoms, protest sign and controlled substances
6. Rehab Barbie (comes with pal Lindsay)
7. Chain Smoker Barbie (complete tiny cigarette butts and lung x-rays)
8. Crack-Whore Barbie (comes with fun paint-on bruising kit).
9. Hooker Barbie (complete with pimp Ken)
10. Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)
11. Lactating Barbie (complete with milk stains on Barbie's shirt and crying baby)
12. Trailer Park Barbie
13. Anatomically Correct Barbie
14. Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)
15. Emo barbie (includes 3, yes 3, micro razor blades, and a MCR cd)
16. Goth Girl Barbie with black hair and lipstick, dog collar & 20-hole Doc Martens
17. Large intestine Barbie
18. Slut barbie
19. Amputee Barbie
20. Paris Hilton Barbie (includes easy to remove clothes and video camera)






Top 20 Things You Would Expect To Hear Over Hell's PA System

1. Hitler, you tank is incorrectly parked
2. Satan, party of four
3. Today's weather, 600 degrees with no chance of rain. Ever
4. Jefferey Dahmer to kitchen, please
5. The Red zone is for unloading of the eternally damned only.
6. Todays temperature "hot" and tomorrow we are predicting "damn hot"
7. Would the owner of the Pale Horse please remove it from Satan's lawn,thank you
8. Satan, you have a call on line one. It's God- should I ask him to hold?
9. Would Pat Robertson please report to the main office?
10. Mr. Bin Laden please report to Torment for your bacon grease and glass enema
11. Satan, your mother is on line two.
12. The ice machine is still broken so stop asking about it.
13. Barney Please report to the 7th layer
14. Paging George W. Bush. Paging George W. Bush.
15. Tonight we hear the singing of...Jessica Sinmpson!
16. "We just got in a shipment of free Celine Dion cds!"
17. We would like to remind you once again of our no "ice skating in hell" policy
18. Lemonade lemonade, too bad you can't have some ice cold lemonade
19. Mmm bop
20. Tommorow will be extreme heat punctuated by occasinail spouts of absoulate zero






Top 25 Things You Don't Want Your Girlfriend To Find

1. Your wife
2. A better man
3. Naked pictures of her roommate sleeping.
4. The test results
5. Another girl's panties in your car.
6. Her best friend in your lap
7. Your boyfriend
8. A framed picture of your last ex.
9. Religion...
10. List of things I don't like about her
11. A Fat chixxx magazine under your bed.
12. Those videos of her that you accidentally shared on kazaa
13. You in bed with her sister
14. Phone numbers of your 3 other Girlfriends.
15. Receipt from www.realdoll.com
16. A Dildo That Couuddles Afterward
17. About those sexual inspiration group orgies you've been attending
18. One condom missing from the box.
19. Those private naughty pics you took of her and submitted to 8 adult websites
20. Your realdoll
21. Your stash of midget porn
22. Find out that the 2 of you are cousins
23. Your stash of Playgirls.
24. 3 dead hookers in your trunk.
25. A 1-900 number on the phone bill.






Top 16 Excuses For Surfing The Net During Work Hour

1. I'm doing research... I swear... I am. Really.
2. It's better than going postal, and shooting up the joint
3. Hack your competition's website
4. Downtime waiting for everyone else to get back to me
5. How else would I know if my boss is satan? (see list 5/10/2001)
6. Surfing the web is cheaper than Prozac
7. Beta testing the company's new browser by D/L big image files from busy servers
8. Boss told you he needed some lesbian pr0n to spice up the next annual report.
9. The company therapist prescribed reading the Keepers
10. I meant whitehouse.GOV...
11. Must...read...next...list!
12. A well informed employee is a happy employee!
13. Company T-1 line lets you download pr0n mpegs in minutes.
14. Testing out alternative asps
15. Who needs an excuse?? :)
16. Investigating software design behind Jeri Ryan fan website...






Top 16 Practical Jokes To Play On AOL Users

1. Hack account. Make a date with transvestite hooker.
2. Tell them to press Alt-Control-Delete to speed up downloads
3. Replace "You've Got Mail" .wav with "You Got Screwed"
4. "Don't open that email--it'll modify your DNA."
5. Trust me, I'm from AOL... Whoops...
6. I always wanted to hear AOL say "You've Got No Mail! Nobody Likes You! Looser!"
7. Use their 100-hours FREE cds as coasters
8. "Press Alt-F4 for a free screen name!"
9. "These Patrons have had their AOL secretly replaced with a large steaming pile of MSN. Let's see if thet can taste the difference."
10. Hey, what's your password?
11. Install Windows XP - BOOM goes the AOL 6.0 client
12. Tell them to sign up for DSL to speed up AOL
13. They are on AOL the whole thing is already a joke
14. Hack into inappropriate chatrooms using their nickname
15. Goatse.cx
16. Press Alt-F4 for pr0n!!!!






Top 33 Comments Made By Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work

1. Oh, it's just a feature
2. The user has made an error again
3. It did work yesterday.
4. There is something wrong in your test data.
5. I guess F1 turned into FU.
6. Strange
7. It works at my desk...
8. Damn Windows.
9. Did you even ATTEMPT to read the manual?
10. Out! Out! You demons of stupidity! I command you!
11. I'll fix it for $60/hr.
12. It must be a hardware/integration problem.
13. It was those outsourced Indian coders that screwed it up.
14. It was working a second ago!
15. It's a hardware issue
16. This wouldn't happen if you ran Linux.
17. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
18. You **cking piece of **it MOTHER **UCKER I command you
19. You're not supposed to click that
20. Damn.
21. How is this possible?
22. I have not touched that module!
23. I'm almost ready.
24. I;m glad you're all enjoying this.
25. It's never done that before.
26. Pc overload the f%@$ is that
27. Well, the program needs some fixing.
28. You must have the wrong executable.
29. You're not supposed to enter that sequence of keystrokes.
30. You're not using it right.
31. 'Ve never heard about that.
32. Get new hardware
33. Has the operating system been updated?






Top 20 Signs You Work For Dilbert's Company

1. You occasionally appear in a syndicated comic strip in newspapers everywhere
2. There's a guy whose tie curls upwards.
3. Boss has pointy hair
4. HR doesn't just downsize, they bury victims in giant sandboxes...
5. One of your co-workers strangely has no mouth.
6. There's a woman with a triangular hairstyle.
7. Your product kills people.
8. You have a square head or a round body.
9. Gross Incompetence, Gross Cafeteira Food, Gross Co-Workers...
10. It seems human resources is trying to get you to commit suicide... AGAIN!!!
11. Ratbert is seen working as a temp.
12. Your name ends in "bert"
13. Insane dress code: Nothing comfortable or stylish. Ever.
14. Ted from Accounting just got a Dino-Wedgie.
15. There's a strange red cat that tries to get you in sh*t all the time
16. Evil pointy-haired boss
17. You look like drew carrey
18. Annoying co-workers.
19. No matter how much you work, you are paid the same and die anyways
20. Dogbert is on your in-cube speed dial.






Top 24 Rejected Love Song Titles

1. What's my criminal record got to do with it?
2. My wife doesn't mind that i love you
3. I love you (even though you're creepy)
4. "you can be replaced"
5. How can i miss you when you won't go away?
6. I love being in your underwear, er i mean life!
7. Damn, are you stupid, baby, or is it me?
8. I love you even more than your restraining order
9. I'd stick steel needles through my eyes for you, baby.
10. I love you more than i love masturbating
11. Oy, you're always there to remind me.
12. Every rose eventually dies
13. Glove slap, shut your big yap **(homer)**
14. Hey girl don't smother me
15. I like big guts
16. I will love you (untill you get old)
17. Just ignore those floating human heads
18. My loins itch for you
19. My wife is sweet, but my girlfriend's sweeter
20. I didn't know she was a cop
21. I love u.. And you, and you (points in different directions)
22. Your sweet like gefilte fish.
23. I love you but your mother's better
24. Big bottomed woman






Top 33 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

1. Whoops
2. The OTHER left
3. Cool, watch what happens when I put my finger here!
4. I dunno either, i've never seen one before
5. I'm not the specialist, I though YOU were the specialist!
6. I Wonder Where This Piece Goes?????
7. Call the Lawyers! Stat!
8. Didn't you sharpen this thing?
9. She'll never know...
10. The fire alarm
11. Watch where that lands ... We might need it later
12. Ok, do we have our stories striahgt?
13. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
14. Nurse, please call and make sure my malpractice insurance is paid up.
15. He won't miss it....
16. How am I supposed to put this back in again?? Lefty loosy...righty tighty...
17. No..no..it's not going to stay, maybe we should try ducktape...
18. We Got A Gusher!
19. Did anyone see where I left my Rolex?
20. Nurse, hand me that syringe. Yes, Dr. Kevorkian.
21. ...er...pass me that...er...knife-type thingy...
22. Oh crap!! My gum...wheres my gum??
23. Oh s**t! This was supposed to be an apendecotomy?
24. CLEAR!
25. The leg bone's connected to the...how does that song go again?
26. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy
27. That was like that when we started right?
28. Wait a minute, if that is his spleen, then what's this?
29. We're going to have to remove your large intestine
30. [after closing] Aw crap, we've got parts left over.
31. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
32. I'm new at this.
33. The Blood Bank is Closed on weekendsget on Good Morning America.






Top 10 Romantic Things To Get Your Internet Valentine

1. Open up a new port for him
2. Something nice in perl
3. A cookie
4. Mutton, mead, and bandwidth!
5. A slashdot story proposal
6. Something for their hard ... Disk
7. A joy stick
8. A byte on the neck
9. A proposal on slashdot
10. A virus checker






Top 40 Cool Things To Do Naked

1. The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world.
2. CO-ED TWISTER!!!!!
3. Have sex. Now why wasn't this on here before?
4. Ask a police officer to let you back into your house.
5. Use your nakedness as a diversion while your accomplice steals a submarine.
6. Get coated in oil and wrestle supermodels on a plastic mat
7. Run through Wal-mart yelling, "I'm Free!"
8. Take Finals
9. Crouch alone in your basement. Mumble incomprehensibly.
10. Sit in your car and see how many ways you can honk the horn
11. Absolutely Anything on the beach
12. Swimming, of course - but not alone (Nasty!)
13. Wrap your head in tin foil and tell others how aliens are bugging your clothes
14. Anything you do clothed... Except using power-tools
15. Chant in icomprehensivelyand bow down to the park statue
16. Cook anything but Bacon
17. Go to a house! You know which one!
18. Jiggle
19. Learning how to spell "masturbate"
20. Run into a neighbors house weilding a chainsaw screaming that they've been bad
21. Vote on Keepers of Lists
22. Drink heavily with dozens of attractive super models
23. Fry bacon
24. Go to work and act like everything is cool
25. Master your bate
26. Masterbate
27. Run into the feminists convention yelling incoreherently
28. Hitch Hike
29. Polka! Polka! Polka!!
30. Shiver
31. Dance in front of your pets
32. Sky Dive
33. Run across the stage during oscar night
34. Think outside the box
35. Run down the green on a golf course.
36. Work in your yard in full view of neighbors (attractive people ONLY)
37. Cook bacon. "Maybe now i'll learn not to burn it!"
38. Jeopardy!
39. Well, duh! What ELSE would you be doing!
40. Drive cross country






Top 27 Things You'd Find At Indiana Jones' Garage Sale

1. Grizzled old man who says "You chose...poorly" at everyone who picks up an item
2. Delicately placed bags of sand replacing stolen items
3. Whips! Whips! Whips!
4. Rejection letters from various Life Insurance Companies
5. Big box of maps on which 'X' didn't actually mark the spot
6. Gigantic rolling boulder repellent
7. Hats. Lots and Lots of Hats.
8. A rack of leather jackets riddled with bullet holes and arm pit stains
9. A sign over the door "The penitant man shall pass"
10. Plundered relics - 50 cents each - or 3 for a dollar
11. Snake Repellent
12. The stuff Marion left after he booted her alcoholic butt out of his apartment
13. Atemple of doom
14. Nazi Lapel Pin
15. Stuffed Monkey: forever captured in timeless mid 'sig heil'
16. A black book with all the names crossed out.
17. French Maid outfit (complete with "kinky whip")
18. Dogbowl engraved with Indiana on the side of it
19. 3 Pigmies for a dollar.
20. A distinct lack of anything snake-like
21. Holy grail
22. Harrison Ford's career
23. Really old indian food leftovers in a clay pot.
24. Tom Clancy Novels
25. A cigarette lighter shaped like a revolver with vibrating handle
26. Autographed copy of Mein Kampf
27. Nothing. Everythings in museums (has no one watched them movies?)






Top 27 Things Never To Say To Suicide Hotline Caller

1. Can you hurry up please? My shift is about to end
2. Your voice sounds familiar - am I sleeping with your wife?
3. Oh man! We just lost another one! What were you saying?
4. Gee. And I thought my life sucked!
5. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... Could you please start over again?
6. Hold please!
7. Look, if you do go through with it - can I have your car?
8. For only $19.95, you can upgrade to our platinum service.
9. Yeah, I think you should go for it!
10. I heard they were making 'Battlefield Earth 2'.
11. You have a really sexy voice. Keep talking. You're turning me on
12. *bzzz* All circuits are busy now, please call again later.
13. Dude, that's nothing compared to what this other guy went through yesterday
14. You won't really do it! If you wanted to do it, you would have never called me
15. He'll only be president for 4 more years
16. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm realy just the janitor . . .
17. If you were REALLY serious, you'd slit your wrists lengthwise.
18. Dude, you suck. *click*
19. Like I care?
20. You know, suicide is an unredeemable sin, god hates you for thinking of it!
21. Is that your final answer?
22. Of COURSE you're depressed. This is because you're inferior.
23. You want fries with that?
24. I'm sorry, I truly don't care
25. Just start up another dot com...really!
26. I don't think you have the guts to jump!
27. Wrong number this is..uhhh...912






Top 22 Things Superman Does On A Date

1. Claims there must be kryptonite in the room, cause this usually never happens.
2. Impresses her by crushing coal into diamond
3. Undress her with his x-ray vision.
4. I know it's a little far, but I really wanted some Kansas City BBQ
5. Fly her home
6. Proves that he's faster than a speeding bullet.
7. "Pays for dinner... Like a real man!"
8. Dinner, movie, and save the world...you know, typical date stuff.
9. "Cold? Here, borrow my cape."
10. Proves that he's more powerful than a locomotive.
11. Shows her EXACTLY why he's called 'Super'man
12. Shows her why he is nick named the man of steel
13. Changes 3 times during the evening
14. On a blind date, says, "I'm not a bird, or a plane, just Superman."
15. Picks up car to impress date
16. Destroys his virginity
17. Lois Lane
18. Anything he wants
19. Goes off to 'fight crime' before the check is paid.
20. Politely declines reservations at the "Kryptonite BBQ Eatery."
21. Woops, that's lazer-vision, not x-ray vision. Oh well-he can get another date
22. "I am just a citizen trying to get laid"






Top 52 Phrases That Should Never Follow "I Love You"

1. ...but not like THAT
2. There! Happy now?
3. And your twin sister.
4. "...for not calling the police"
5. "Jen...er, Veron...Lisa! I said Lisa!"
6. -Now lets have sex
7. But ...
8. Please put down that axe.
9. But that will still be fifty bucks!
10. But I'm not IN love with you
11. When you're tied up in that position.
12. Like a brother
13. Now give me the remote
14. No... Nevermind, that's just the drugs talking
15. Now go away
16. But I love your sister more
17. But you still can't have my bud lite
18. Please open this attachment
19. "...Which is why I have to kill you"
20. About as much as I love microsoft.
21. But not as much as your cat
22. Now can we have sex?
23. Now get out of the way of the TV!
24. Now please, can I have the gun?
25. Now will you sleep with me
26. "Thanks...how much do you charge again?"
27. Lets get married
28. Almost as much as I love my cat
29. *pfffft* Excuse me
30. For a price
31. I thought you should know that before I told you that I...
32. Like a bad case of the clap
33. Now put down that flamethrower!
34. Now leave me alone
35. But I love my brother more...
36. When you're mad like this
37. But not as much as a sheep
38. Now can you show me that funny thing you do with your tongue again?
39. But not as much as...
40. If The Price is Right!
41. Why are you giving me a restraining order?
42. You freak
43. "buuurrrrp"
44. "more than my computers, dear."
45. All your heart are belong to us.
46. But then again, I'm on mescaline, so I love *everybody*
47. Please Hold.
48. Love is just a chemical reaction though
49. Mr Gates
50. Now will you take out the trash
51. So, anal sex then...
52. "I love you... In that short skirt."






Top 20 Things South Park Teaches Us

1. Cartman's mom is a dirty slut
2. Jew jokes are always funny
3. The Chewbacca Defense works!
4. Worcestershire sauce is NOT to be used as embalming fluid
5. Jesus is still alive, and he lives in a small mountain town in Colorado
6. Russell Crowe likes making movies, singing songs and fightin' 'round the world
7. Canada is the root of all evil in our children.
8. You can say s*** 173 times without getting canceled
9. Not to forget to bring a towel
10. Trying to extermenate the jews will only get you grounded for a couple of weeks
11. Canadians all have egg-shaped haeds and beady black eyes
12. Cartman got an anal probe
13. John Edward is the biggest douche in the universe
14. There is an underground ring of gnomes that collect underpants
15. Cripple fights are AWESOME!
16. John Stamos' older brother CAN hit the high F in "Loving You"
17. Kyle's mom's a bitch
18. Mel Gibson is @#@#%$ up
19. Mr. Garrison is a gay gay basher
20. That Cartman can pretty much lead any group of dumb people if he tries






Top 24 Signs Of The Apocalypse For Nerds

1. Linus Torvalds vows alleigance to Bill Gates
2. Battlestar Galatica is canceled
3. 4 horsemen - armageddon virus, starving disc space, war(craft), and bsod.
4. 80 year olds can use a computer just as well as they can
5. A new law will make it so that computers can only legaly be built by Dell.
6. Bittorrent and Usenet go "Porn Free"
7. Microsoft buys out Apple.
8. Microsoft buys Slashdot
9. Square Enix is bought out by EA
10. The licence to distribute firefox has been purchased by microsoft
11. The Star Wars prequels
12. Fark discontinues the Photoshop Contest
13. They all die because of a nuclear missle----that they launched
14. War hammer goes out of business
15. Windows runs on a Macintosh. Oh wait...
16. A virus is created deleting all the hentai on the net.
17. The internet goes down and no one cares
18. Warcraft Stops Being Published
19. All the yaoi on the internet dissapears (for girls)
20. AOL stops sending stupid cds every month
21. Massive DDOS attack shuts down slashdot
22. AMD and Intel, or nvidia and ATI joining forces
23. Internet Connection Fails
24. The 666th spin-off of star trek






Top 10 Reasons to give for missing the Toilet

1.)I couldn't breathe, because someone stunk the bathroom up before me!
2.)I'm partially blind in my left eye.
3.)I didn't miss, it's just your imagination!
4.)I thought I was done!
5.)I only have one hand!
6.)I was trying to eat a taco!
7.)The toilet moved!
8.)I forgot to put the cordless phone down!
9.)I fainted.
10.)I was "distracted."






Top 10 Places to find your Remote Control!

1.)Wedged up your behind.
2.)In your bag of potato chips.
3.)In the Microwave.
4.)Duct Taped to your dog.
5.)Stuck between the Couch Cushions.
6.)In the Toilet.
7.)In the Refrigerator.
8.)In the Trash Can.
9.)In those old Pizza Boxes.
10.)In your Fishtank.






Top 10 Places to be found in your Underwear

1.)An Asylum while visiting a friend.
2.)Nude Beach.
3.)Prom.
4.)Party.
5.)Taco Bell.
6.)Church.
7.)Concert.
8.)Supermarket.
9.)Work.
10.)School.






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