King of Lists

Top 7 Swimming Pool Mistakes

2008-07-25T12:09:00.000-03:00

1 Diving head first into the shallow end
2 Humping the drain
3 Peeing in the pool is okay, but peeing INTO the pool...
4 After the first bite you realize that it really was not a Baby Ruth
5 Belly Flops
6 Throwing the cat in with you!
7 Trying out your new concrete "swimming shoes"

Top 7 Reasons Why Being Immortal Sucks

2008-07-23T12:13:00.000-03:00

1 Blowing out all those candles
2 After the first 1000 years its all the same
3 Never discover the 'mystery of death'
4 Everyone you ever loved will die before you
5 If you had aids, man you're screwed
6 An eternity of alimoney
7 Just TRY and withdraw from the account you opened 140 years back.

Top 5 Banned Board Games

2008-06-18T11:39:00.000-03:00

1 Scene It? Pornography
2 Don't Rape Daddy!
3 Clue: Special Victims Unit
4 Monopoly: Mobster Edition
5 The Game of Death

Top 20 Myths That Aren't Likely To Be On Mythbusters Anytime Soon - Part 02/02

2008-06-14T11:38:00.000-03:00

11 The truth about Jamie's mustache.
12 Is Adam smarter than a fifth-grader?
13 Do goldfish bounce?
14 Does chewing gum really lose its flavor?
15 Just how much junk does Adam have in his home?
16 Who the Sam Hill is Sam Hill?
17 Is Buster the only dummy at M5?
18 Is there a law against talking in elevators?
19 The Way of the Weasel: Is it TRUE?
20 Killer Videotapes

Top 20 Myths That Aren't Likely To Be On Mythbusters Anytime Soon - Part 01/02

2008-06-13T11:26:00.001-03:00

1 Alka-Seltzer and Seagulls: Eplosively funny
2 Can you really kick out the rear window of a cop car in high heels?
3 How many ways are there to skin a cat?
4 What is the fastest way to break up a fight?
5 How many ways can a cookie crumble?
6 How many Mythbusters can squeeze into a VW Beetle?
7 Can you really blow up Parliament ala Guy Fawkes?
8 Is it possible to kill a man using Christmas garland from the tree?
9 Rice and birds...
10 Just how weird is the Large Intestine Guy?

Top 20 Symptoms Of Being In Love

2008-02-05T22:07:00.000-03:00

1. Sudden fascination with bands you couldn't stand last week
2. You change your underwear more often
3. Even Trigonometric equations remind you of *HER*
4. You can talk to women without wondering what they look like naked
5. Difficulty focussing on your wor.. What was I doing again?
6. Suddenly no extra money
7. Swallowing instead of spitting
8. He'll hold your purse, even in front of the guys
9. Carpet burns in strange places...
10. Extreme paranoia
11. Logic center of brain temporarily shut down
12. You finally have a reason to spend all day in bed
13. Inablity to wipe the smug smile from ur face
14. Painful postponement of flatulent outbursts
15. No need to exercise - you've attracted a mate
16. People wonder what is different about you
17. Being turned down by her seems like the end of the world
18. Unexplained Happiness
19. You see her face on almost every woman everywhere you go
20. The D on your physics test no longer bothers you

Dalai Lama : Instructions for Life!

2007-08-10T00:09:00.000-03:00

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Top 20 Things Your Wife Really Means When She Says "Not Tonight, I Have A Headache"

2007-08-08T08:15:00.000-03:00

1. I'm still tired after this afternoon's session with the delivery guy.
2. You didn't help with the housework, this is your punishment.
3. My lawyer is currently drafting the papers.
4. I don't find you all that attractive anymore.
5. Not tonight, I have a headache.
6. I already slept with your brother and your just as bad
7. I don't feel like preteding to have an orgy
8. Take a cold shower
9. You forgot our Anniversary again
10. You make me nauseous each and everytime you touch me.
11. Your smell is giving me a headache.
12. I'm constipated
13. I'm still a little raw after that Hockey team
14. I've gotten enough from my lover to compensate for your inadequacy.
15. Instead, let's cuddle and watch a movie about two large intestines in love.
16. Just go in the bathroom and spank it
17. She already did it with the mail man today
18. The mail man was great
19. The Milkman gave me the Bottle today
20. You will never see me naked again

Top 20 Things To Do If Your Girlfriend Says "I Love You"

2007-08-07T22:00:00.000-03:00

1. Aks her to repeat it, but with the words "Glorious One" included.
2. Mutter, "Damn! What's my wife gonna say about this?"
3. Fake epileptic seizure.
4. Tell her she needs to know you really love her brother, Barry.
5. distract her by throwing your shoe out the window and make a run for the door.
6. say it back
7. Have hot "Just-Said-I-Love-You" sex.
8. Mention the words "Menage a trois"
9. Nod vacantly and back away slowly.
10. Say "god bless you" and ask if she has a cold
11. say" thats what hannah said last week"
12. Bring her back to the Mental ward
13. Fart
14. Leave the "I Love You" hanging like a Florida chad.
15. Replace her wiring.
16. Snore.
17. give her the thumbs up and smile
18. Ignore her
19. Just say I know and continue on
20. Slow the car down to 50 and leap out.

Top 20 Symptoms Of Being In Love

2007-08-07T10:03:00.000-03:00

Top 20 Barbie Dolls That You Most Likely Haven't Seen On Store Shelves

2007-08-05T21:52:00.000-03:00

1. Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)
2. Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)
3. Burqua Barbie (Complete with black dress and veil that hides all but her eyes)
4. Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)
5. Hippie Chick Barbie (with bell bottoms, protest sign and controlled substances
6. Rehab Barbie (comes with pal Lindsay)
7. Chain Smoker Barbie (complete tiny cigarette butts and lung x-rays)
8. Crack-Whore Barbie (comes with fun paint-on bruising kit).
9. Hooker Barbie (complete with pimp Ken)
10. Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)
11. Lactating Barbie (complete with milk stains on Barbie's shirt and crying baby)
12. Trailer Park Barbie
13. Anatomically Correct Barbie
14. Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)
15. Emo barbie (includes 3, yes 3, micro razor blades, and a MCR cd)
16. Goth Girl Barbie with black hair and lipstick, dog collar & 20-hole Doc Martens
17. Large intestine Barbie
18. Slut barbie
19. Amputee Barbie
20. Paris Hilton Barbie (includes easy to remove clothes and video camera)

Top10 Answers To "How Does Bill Gates Change A Light Bulb?

2007-07-25T06:01:00.000-03:00

1. He doesn't; instead he declares darkness the industry standard.
2. Buys the company and orders the Board of Directors to change it
3. He first asks for the light bulb's registration number.
4. He holds onto the light bulb and lets the world revolve beneath him.
5. His first change would be a proprietary base incompatible with standard fixture
6. Insists that if one wants light one need only open windows.
7. He doesn't, he gives the old one a new color and calls it "Light Bulb XP"
8. Makes bulb without filament, bulb with filament called "bulb plus!"
9. Steals new bulb, pays cops $10,000 to look the other way.
10. (while rocking) That bulb Works! Don't you dare tell me it doesn't!

Top 25 Things Bill Gates Would Say to a Homeless Person

2007-07-23T22:25:00.000-03:00

1. Get a job, Linux hippie.
2. But how can i own your soul if you don't have a computer?
3. Before I give you food, you'll have to upgrade to IE 6.0
4. You will code for food eh? (evil manical laugh).
5. Steve? Steve Jobs, is that you?
6. I lost $11 Billion last year, I can't spare a dime!
7. If no doors open for you, look for Windows
8. My new tablet pc would be great for a "will work for food" sign
9. "So... You make UNDER $18,000,000 annually? How?"
10. Sure you can have some change... Can ya break a $1000?
11. Not enough money to buy bread? Then why not just eat cake?
12. I made the X-Box and I won't stop. I'll see you in 4 years!
13. I pay $1000 per Apple and Linux delvoper and penguin killed.
14. Here's a free license for Windows XP Professional
15. Well, wouldn't YOU like to borrow some money?
16. Buy a home, put a computer in it, and install my software... You bum!
17. I bet you're sorry you worked for Apple, huh?
18. "Smooth move, Hammer!"
19. How much would it cost to add you to my collection of human souls?
20. Mua ha ha ha ha
21. "No, Mr. Jackson, not until you release a GOOD album!"
22. If only you temps hadn't have sued you wouldn't be laid off after a year
23. I'll 20 bucks for your soul.
24. Sorry buddy, all my pocket change is in 1000$ bills.
25. "you shouldn't have had that family, Ted, or you'd be a VP now."

Top 20 Moments You Realize Your Partner Is No Good In Bed

2007-07-23T01:08:00.000-03:00

1. He asks if his mom can watch to make sure he is doing it right
2. He keeps calling his mom asking what to do next
3. He brings a pump, magazine and a bottle of viagra to bed
4. They can't believe they are finally seeing breasts in person
5. She shouts keep that icky white stuff away from me
6. You start the new john grisham novel while having sex
7. He asks you to do a threesome with his blow up doll
8. Keeps humping your leg.
9. She just lies there
10. She brings a coach with her
11. When he asks, "is it in yet?"
12. She tells you that she is saving herself for marriage
13. Tells you this is the first time he has not been with a hooker
14. They finish before you even get started
15. When your excuses have gone from 'headache' to 'new sesame street episode'.
16. You fall asleep.
17. She falls asleep
18. During oral sex..."ow, my eye!"
19. She has a headache
20. Your partner is a jar of vaseline and a baseball glove.

Top 20 Things You Would Expect To Hear Over Hell's PA System

2007-07-20T08:20:00.000-03:00

1. Hitler, you tank is incorrectly parked
2. Satan, party of four
3. Today's weather, 600 degrees with no chance of rain. Ever
4. Jefferey Dahmer to kitchen, please
5. The Red zone is for unloading of the eternally damned only.
6. Todays temperature "hot" and tomorrow we are predicting "damn hot"
7. Would the owner of the Pale Horse please remove it from Satan's lawn,thank you
8. Satan, you have a call on line one. It's God- should I ask him to hold?
9. Would Pat Robertson please report to the main office?
10. Mr. Bin Laden please report to Torment for your bacon grease and glass enema
11. Satan, your mother is on line two.
12. The ice machine is still broken so stop asking about it.
13. Barney Please report to the 7th layer
14. Paging George W. Bush. Paging George W. Bush.
15. Tonight we hear the singing of...Jessica Sinmpson!
16. "We just got in a shipment of free Celine Dion cds!"
17. We would like to remind you once again of our no "ice skating in hell" policy
18. Lemonade lemonade, too bad you can't have some ice cold lemonade
19. Mmm bop
20. Tommorow will be extreme heat punctuated by occasinail spouts of absoulate zero

Top 10 Reasons That Shaving Is A Good Idea

2007-07-18T06:08:00.000-03:00

1. Hairy feet are only cool on hobbits
2. When a glimpse of your bikini bottom reminds you of Larry from the 3 Stooges
3. Three days of stubble make you look like a composite sketch
4. Crab infestations
5. No one wants to look like Fidel Castro
6. The werewolf look is so twentieth century...
7. Back hair sticks to the couch like velcro.
8. It's never good when you can grate cheese on your face
9. Keeps new life forms from evolving on your face
10. the "where are my keys???" situation over and over again

Top 20 Lesser Remembered Internet Acronym Definitions

2007-07-18T05:57:00.000-03:00

1. Winraf (Well, I'm not really a female)
2. Ntbuswab (Not to bring up Star Wars again, but)
3. Emwipyombl (excuse me while I put you on my blocked list)
4. Hcp (Help call police)
5. 18/F/NYC (47/M/Detroit)
6. Omgidmso (Oh My God, I dropped my strapon)
7. Rstm (read the stupid manual)
8. TNAWIAM That's not a woman, It's a man!
9. Wombat (Waste Of Money Brains And Time)
10. Ghmtihctbaltyy (guess how many times i have claimed to be 20 yrs younger
11. IFTIAM I forgot what the internet acronyms mean
12. IJDIMP (I just downloaded in my pants)
13. ITFRS - It's not freaking rocket science
14. Asswipe (Alzheimers strikes suddenly when internet peeps emote)
15. Yngwijsomk (You'll never guess what I just spilled on my keyboard)
16. IANAQP, (I am not a quantum physicists) but
17. Iscgmfbootc (I seriously can\'t get my fat butt out of this chair)
18. L (lugash)
19. Vms -- very much so
20. ISPWOSO (Institute to slowly and painfully work out the surprisingly obvious).

Top 33 Tattoos Bill Gates Might Have

2007-07-16T23:58:00.000-03:00

1. The Flying Window logo
2. A bloody penguin
3. "640kb" on his penis, because in his mind, it ought to be enough for anyone
4. Clippit (the Microsoft Office paperclip)
5. "Billion$" spelled accross his fingers so you see it when he shows his fists.
6. Blue Screen of Death
7. Byte me.
8. Calvin (of "Calvin & Hobbes") peeing on the Macintosh logo
9. The face of Rich Uncle Penny Bags (from monopoly)
10. Born To Monopolize
11. A Human Head with a boot crushing it
12. Lips on his butt
13. "Monopoly or Bust"
14. All your base are belong to us
15. Nerds Rule!!
16. Super Mario bleeding to death, with "Die Nintendo Die" written around him
17. MS Dos forever
18. 100011101100100101001
19. Gothic-lettered "Bug Life", across abdomen
20. A heart with mom written inside it
21. FTC logo with a knife through it
22. Heart with "Born to Own It All" inscription
23. -$-
24. Don't use Linux!!!
25. 666
26. Digital Bling Bling King with a Microsoft window thing under it
27. Instead of "Mom", it says "Parental Unit"
28. I am so rich!!! HAHAHA!! (on his forehead)
29. "My income exceeds my ego by mere bytes."
30. A dos prompt, C:>
31. Die IBM die!!! (across his chest)
32. Bar codes & Serial Numbers

Top 20 Things Found In George Bush's Christmas Stocking

2007-07-16T08:10:00.000-03:00

1. 2005 Version of the game Risk
2. Cowboy Dress-Up set
3. Pretzels
4. The missing Ohio ballots
5. Economics For Dummies book
6. Hooked On Phonics gift set.
7. Coal
8. Notification that his job has been outsourced to Bombay
9. His contract with the devil
10. The brain he misplaced twenty years ago.
11. Spongebob Squarepants Season One DVD set
12. Weapons of mass destuction.
13. Lint
14. "Spelling and Vocabulary for Dummies"
15. human souls, in case hes hungry
16. A bag of sh!t
17. His balls... hopefully.
18. My large intestine
19. A lump of coal
20. Donald Rumfeild's letter of resignation

Top 20 Suggested Epitaphs For George W. Bush's Tombstone

2007-07-14T08:20:00.000-03:00

1. Democracy Was Getting Old Anyway
2. I Put The "Duh" In W
3. You Misunderestimated Me
4. Honey I Shrunk The Surplus
5. Of The Rich, By The Rich, For The Rich
6. This Is My Final Contribution to The Environment
7. Gone Away, Owin' More Than he Could Pay
8. here lies not an idiot for a village, but for an entire nation
9. One last vacation
10. Twit Happened
11. Austin looks a lot different from here.
12. Born To Kill, Born To Drill
13. Here lies the first weasel to gain world power.
14. Bush may be lying here, but he may also be AWOL
15. God's a woman? I am so screwed.
16. Underneath this sod lies another
17. A New Look That Suits Him Well
18. Don't Mess With Texas, Mess With His Grave
19. Engrave a bullseye on Bush's tombstone!
20. He had a way with words.

Top 25 Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be A Barbie Doll

2007-07-13T09:48:00.000-03:00

1. No vagina
2. Tattoo on her butt says "made in taiwan"
3. She can't walk upright because of her measurements
4. All she has to do to put her makeup on is rub her face with a wet sponge.
5. Ratcheting elbows and knees make distinctive clicking sounds, when bent.
6. She's only twelve inches tall
7. She's over 50 years old, but she doesn't look a day over 25
8. Her boobs are hard and plastic like, but she doesn't have implants
9. The tattoo that says 'mattel'
10. You are a eunuch named ken
11. When you push on her head, it caves in.
12. Has 4 sisters and no parents
13. Her ears are pierced, but you notice the earrings go straight into her head.
14. The painted on panties is a dead giveaway
15. No nipples.
16. She doesn't own a bra
17. Her hand melted when she put it on the microwave
18. Living in a one square foot "dream house"
19. She's literally made out of plastic
20. She asks you what country north dakota is in
21. You can brush her ghair and take her every where
22. She someday hopes to own her "dreamhouse" in malibu.
23. You submit list items (wow, you guys know too much about barbies)
24. She puts stickers on herself when she tans.
25. Faked smile is painted on her face.

Top 16 Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Tim

2007-07-12T09:09:00.000-03:00

1. She went to "powder her nose" 3 hours ago.
2. Came to the beach with you ... Leaves with red-haired guy carrying a pay phone
3. Each time you speak, she spins the chamber and pulls the trigger
4. Looks at you then downs another shot of tequilla.
5. You spot her adding items to this list.
6. You've already been smacked by her 3 times
7. The paramedics say she is flatlining
8. She notices your wedding ring
9. Constantly looks at her watch.
10. She accepts another guys number at the bar
11. She just dumped her drink over your head
12. You are Jar Jar Binks
13. You're both in prison
14. She is a Raiderette cheerleader and you are a Denver Broncos fan
15. She finds her celery more entertaining then you - gives you no eye contact
16. She is naked on the floor

Top 27 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Girlfriend

2007-07-11T08:50:00.000-03:00

1. I'm just two operations away from being a complete woman.
2. You're my first since the operation!
3. I have 5 kids... Can they call you dad?
4. That will be $50. Leave it on the dresser on your way out.
5. That's funny ... Your brother never had that problem with me ...
6. My ex just made parole.
7. Abstainance is the only 100% effective form of birth control
8. After meeting your parents, "Hey, that's my dad too!"
9. Are you ready for commitment? And Marriage? And babies? My clocks tickin!
10. Those "increase your penis size" pills really do work! Wanna try some?
11. Ya, the operation was a big success. Even I can't tell I used to be a guy!
12. Honey... We need to talk...
13. The test came back positive...
14. Bet mine's bigger than yours
15. Do you have a sister?!
16. I have a thing for fat guys
17. Is it in yet?
18. That was it?
19. We need to talk.
20. Whose bra is this?
21. About the results of her prostate exam
22. Lets try something new, you put on a dress, bend over and i'll put this on...
23. "Back when I was in the mental ward..."
24. I love you
25. I'm your daughter
26. "that's all you've got?"
27. Eueeeww whats that?

Top 25 Things You Don't Want Your Girlfriend To Find

2007-07-09T22:45:00.000-03:00

1. Your wife
2. A better man
3. Naked pictures of her roommate sleeping.
4. The test results
5. Another girl's panties in your car.
6. Her best friend in your lap
7. Your boyfriend
8. A framed picture of your last ex.
9. Religion...
10. List of things I don't like about her
11. A Fat chixxx magazine under your bed.
12. Those videos of her that you accidentally shared on kazaa
13. You in bed with her sister
14. Phone numbers of your 3 other Girlfriends.
15. Receipt from www.realdoll.com
16. A Dildo That Couuddles Afterward
17. About those sexual inspiration group orgies you've been attending
18. One condom missing from the box.
19. Those private naughty pics you took of her and submitted to 8 adult websites
20. Your realdoll
21. Your stash of midget porn
22. Find out that the 2 of you are cousins
23. Your stash of Playgirls.
24. 3 dead hookers in your trunk.
25. A 1-900 number on the phone bill.

Top 25 Anti Bush Bumper Stickers

2007-07-09T06:02:00.000-03:00

1. It takes a village idiot
2. More Trees Less Bush
3. Leave No Billionaire Behind
4. One person One Vote* May not apply in all states
5. Putting the "Con" in Conservative.
6. (re)defeat bush
7. Another Bush Another Recession
8. Bush Cheney 2004 Farewell Tour
9. Even Lesbians hate this Bush.
10. I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway
11. If you had oil, we'd care about you to
12. Keep America green: Transplant a Bush to Texas.
13. Mission accomplished - NOT
14. Regime Change Begins At Home
15. Regime change starts at home
16. Someone voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession
17. Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?
18. Bush/Satan 2004
19. Lick Bush Beat D!ck
20. Who did vote for an idiot twice?
21. Don't trust Florida to choose the president
22. i protest
23. The village of Crawford, Texas is missing its idiot.
24. The Shrub needs to be uprooted
25. Bu** Sh**

Top 10 Romantic Things To Get Your Internet Valentine

2007-07-08T17:56:00.001-03:00

1. Open up a new port for him
2. Something nice in perl
3. A cookie
4. Mutton, mead, and bandwidth!
5. A slashdot story proposal
6. Something for their hard ... Disk
7. A joy stick
8. A byte on the neck
9. A proposal on slashdot
10. A virus checker

Top 16 Excuses For Surfing The Net During Work Hour

2007-07-03T00:26:00.000-03:00

1. I'm doing research... I swear... I am. Really.
2. It's better than going postal, and shooting up the joint
3. Hack your competition's website
4. Downtime waiting for everyone else to get back to me
5. How else would I know if my boss is satan? (see list 5/10/2001)
6. Surfing the web is cheaper than Prozac
7. Beta testing the company's new browser by D/L big image files from busy servers
8. Boss told you he needed some lesbian pr0n to spice up the next annual report.
9. The company therapist prescribed reading the Keepers
10. I meant whitehouse.GOV...
11. Must...read...next...list!
12. A well informed employee is a happy employee!
13. Company T-1 line lets you download pr0n mpegs in minutes.
14. Testing out alternative asps
15. Who needs an excuse?? :)
16. Investigating software design behind Jeri Ryan fan website...

Top 16 Practical Jokes To Play On AOL Users

2007-07-02T08:27:00.000-03:00

1. Hack account. Make a date with transvestite hooker.
2. Tell them to press Alt-Control-Delete to speed up downloads
3. Replace "You've Got Mail" .wav with "You Got Screwed"
4. "Don't open that email--it'll modify your DNA."
5. Trust me, I'm from AOL... Whoops...
6. I always wanted to hear AOL say "You've Got No Mail! Nobody Likes You! Looser!"
7. Use their 100-hours FREE cds as coasters
8. "Press Alt-F4 for a free screen name!"
9. "These Patrons have had their AOL secretly replaced with a large steaming pile of MSN. Let's see if thet can taste the difference."
10. Hey, what's your password?
11. Install Windows XP - BOOM goes the AOL 6.0 client
12. Tell them to sign up for DSL to speed up AOL
13. They are on AOL the whole thing is already a joke
14. Hack into inappropriate chatrooms using their nickname
15. Goatse.cx
16. Press Alt-F4 for pr0n!!!!

Top 33 Signs Your Child Is Calvin

2007-06-30T09:30:00.000-03:00

1. Every snow season, the snow goons make an appearance.
2. Keeps building a transmographer
3. He spent ten years in the first grade
4. Stuffed tiger relocates itself throughout house
5. Spends the summer organizing a Calvin-Ball League.
6. Talks like a 40 year old psychology teacher.
7. Demented snowmen everywhere
8. He's two-dimensional and only has color on Sundays
9. His head is larger than his body
10. Attacks dinosaurs with F4 Phantom jet.
11. Has time travelled in a cardboard box
12. He chases his oatmeal around the house with a fork
13. Has large upside-down boxes with dials that go "BOINK" when used
14. Talks to his stuffed tiger as if it respnds back
15. You turn into a one-eyed space monster when lecturing him
16. He's obsessed with the Yukon.
17. His fantasy life borders on unbalanced
18. Keeps a running graph of how well I'm polling.
19. Vows to fight the evils of Popery! Oh, you mean the othe Calvin.
20. Your babysiter demands hazard pay
21. He pisses all over the neighbor's chevy
22. Is ruler of a theocracy in medieval Geneva
23. Talks to his stuffed tiger.
24. You find pictures of yourself as a dinosaur in his daydreams
25. You need to buy them a new wagon/sled every ten seconds
26. You take him to Bill Watterson, and he refuses to draw him
27. He has a tiger named Hobbes
28. Is always bested by little Susie next door
29. Every time he comes home he seems as if he was beaten into the ground
30. Builds really creapy snowmen
31. Never changes his clothing and doesn't take baths
32. The bubbles in his bath drown him
33. He was inspired by a philosopher from 500 years ago, and North Dakota

Top 52 Worst Things You Could Name Your Child

2007-06-29T07:20:00.000-03:00

1. Ivanna tinkle
2. Broomhilda
3. Imah hooker
4. Mike rotch
5. Osama
6. Bender bending rodriguez
7. Mary, if your last name is christmas
8. Name him after yourself, then divorce his mother, and make him hate you.
9. Ottovonschnitzelpesscrackendeshagmire
10. Babyboy/girl
11. Ivana humpalot
12. Orangejello and lemonjello (pronounced oh-ran-jeh-lo and leh-mon-jeh-lo)
13. Margo spargo pam and malcolm fargo
14. Sweta (actual indian name)
15. Weiner
16. Asswipe (pronounced ahzz-wee-pay)
17. Avva dabba dis (drug deala ;))
18. George (if your last name is bush)
19. Hegisiple (alternate name for my sister hillary)
20. Hennese alazai smith
21. Irving
22. Lysol or clorox
23. Michael if your last name is bolton or jackson
24. Monty
25. Moo-cow
26. Ollie tabooger
27. Seymour butts
28. Smurfette
29. Trampetta
30. True: shithead ( shhi-thod )
31. Alfonze
32. Frodo
33. Homer
34. John jacob jingleheimer schmidt
35. Pikachu
36. Spunky
37. Daisy cutter
38. Harry p. Ness
39. Holden mcgroin
40. Vendetta
41. Eggbert
42. Macaroni
43. Bertha
44. Gaylord focker [didn't anyone see "meet the parents"?]
45. Leroy
46. Phallus
47. Ransom love
48. Candi or bambi
49. Dickie
50. Hyman
51. Damien
52. Sn#112660983qe

Top 33 Comments Made By Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work

2007-06-28T23:04:00.000-03:00

1. Oh, it's just a feature
2. The user has made an error again
3. It did work yesterday.
4. There is something wrong in your test data.
5. I guess F1 turned into FU.
6. Strange
7. It works at my desk...
8. Damn Windows.
9. Did you even ATTEMPT to read the manual?
10. Out! Out! You demons of stupidity! I command you!
11. I'll fix it for $60/hr.
12. It must be a hardware/integration problem.
13. It was those outsourced Indian coders that screwed it up.
14. It was working a second ago!
15. It's a hardware issue
16. This wouldn't happen if you ran Linux.
17. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
18. You **cking piece of **it MOTHER **UCKER I command you
19. You're not supposed to click that
20. Damn.
21. How is this possible?
22. I have not touched that module!
23. I'm almost ready.
24. I;m glad you're all enjoying this.
25. It's never done that before.
26. Pc overload the f%@$ is that
27. Well, the program needs some fixing.
28. You must have the wrong executable.
29. You're not supposed to enter that sequence of keystrokes.
30. You're not using it right.
31. 'Ve never heard about that.
32. Get new hardware
33. Has the operating system been updated?

Top 20 Ways Not To Negotiate A Raise At Work

2007-06-28T08:25:00.000-03:00

1. Follow the instructions provided by fight club.
2. "I make twice that selling crack and the hours are better"
3. At gunpoint
4. Holding your breath until you pass out
5. I'm going to keep poking you until you give me a raise.
6. Hold up a big red button, and hint that a detonater was put in his boxers
7. I have your daughter.
8. Offer to become the boss' personal hitman
9. Boot to the head, mantra: "You will give me a raise..."
10. I promis never ti fornicate with your wife and daughter again
11. Try to bribe your boss with Juicy Fruit gum.
12. I wont bang ur wife and kid again
13. If I get a raise i'll stop stealing servers
14. Your daughter's preggers and if I don't get a raise we are moving in with you.
15. Edit your salary field in the company database.
16. If I can jump all the way down the stairs will you give me a raise?
17. Using the negotiation strategites of the ATF
18. Holding the bosses wife hostage
19. I have a bomb.
20. I've had your daughter

Top 20 Signs You Work For Dilbert's Company

2007-06-27T04:10:00.000-03:00

1. You occasionally appear in a syndicated comic strip in newspapers everywhere
2. There's a guy whose tie curls upwards.
3. Boss has pointy hair
4. HR doesn't just downsize, they bury victims in giant sandboxes...
5. One of your co-workers strangely has no mouth.
6. There's a woman with a triangular hairstyle.
7. Your product kills people.
8. You have a square head or a round body.
9. Gross Incompetence, Gross Cafeteira Food, Gross Co-Workers...
10. It seems human resources is trying to get you to commit suicide... AGAIN!!!
11. Ratbert is seen working as a temp.
12. Your name ends in "bert"
13. Insane dress code: Nothing comfortable or stylish. Ever.
14. Ted from Accounting just got a Dino-Wedgie.
15. There's a strange red cat that tries to get you in sh*t all the time
16. Evil pointy-haired boss
17. You look like drew carrey
18. Annoying co-workers.
19. No matter how much you work, you are paid the same and die anyways
20. Dogbert is on your in-cube speed dial.

Top 20 Games Your Parents Didnt Want You To Play

2007-06-27T01:29:00.000-03:00

1. Hide the salami
2. Cow and Milkmaid when your the cow
3. Pass The Bong
4. Doctor
5. 'Doctor'... With real scalpals
6. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
7. Jackass the game
8. Pee in the corner and point at the dog ...
9. Spin the bottle
10. Rubba Rubba with Michael Jackson
11. Couch fishing
12. Figgy Newton: The Board Game
13. Bloodbath IV: Revenge of the Amazons
14. Battlesex
15. Any drinking game
16. Mind control
17. Peek a boo with cheerleaders and their skirts
18. Quarters, or any drinking game
19. Target practice with decorations
20. Truth or dare

Top 20 Role Playing Game Spells You'd Like To Use On Your Boss

2007-06-27T01:00:00.000-03:00

1. Fireball... Because if you can, hell, who's going to stop you?
2. Reveal Stupidity
3. Silence, 15' Radius
4. Dispel evil - because doing the impossible is fun
5. Teleport... With error
6. Dragon Slave
7. Smite Stupidity
8. Death Blade
9. Kiss of Brain Death... He won't suspect a thing.
10. Polymorph into a gerbil
11. Phantasmal Force (SHWING!)
12. Summon Unholy Demon of Apathy to sit on his face and smother him.
13. Ultima
14. Uncontrolled Horniness. Get him sued for sexual harrassment.
15. Unleash the Flying Cows of Doom!
16. Acid bolt
17. Crucify...upside down...naked...in Sibieria.
18. Demonic Rape.
19. Giga Slave (Slayers- the strongest spell belonging to Lina Inverse)
20. Remove Clothing

Top 10 Signs Your Child Might Be Addicted To Porn

2007-06-26T13:31:00.000-03:00

1. He's somewhere between the ages of 12 and 38.
2. He knows more positions than your husband
3. Goes stright to his room - Where there's a tv- When he's punished
4. Records "Chained Heat 4" over his Elmo video
5. Wants to change her name to Dusty Swallows
6. His keyboard is white... Originally black
7. All of his future girlfriends are to be nicknamed HBO.
8. He feels left outside of this list because of the non-wow porn list
9. He is a male
10. His only access to free "porn" would be late night HBO.

Top 20 Signs Your Boss is Satan

2007-06-25T22:16:00.000-03:00

1. You work for Microsoft
2. He is referred to as "Lucifer" on all of the Org Charts
3. That eerie chanting that seems to follow him around...
4. Had to sign non-disclosure agreement in Blood
5. Pictures of ex-employees with holes where eyes should be
6. Leaves cloven hoof mark burned into carpet
7. Unpaid Overtime
8. Folded pink slips of paper on desk with text 'Just Kidding'
9. The attache case full of souls...
10. Whispers suggestions of evil deeds while hovering over your left shoulder
11. Your job class is "Imp"
12. Office door named "Gates of Hell"
13. He makes you write your programs in COBOL
14. His framed picture of him with Martha Stewart
15. You work for the IRS
16. His cube smells like sulfur
17. The company's intercom plays Britney Spears albums all day
18. Uses his pitchfork for "employee motivation"
19. 3 headed fire-breathing guard dog
20. He has his own elevator that says going down

Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Love

2007-06-20T07:44:00.000-03:00

1. Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a part of love.
2. Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic.
3. Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is always about caring.
4. Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising your values or being untrue to yourself.
5. If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of that love.
6. It is very easy to confuse lust for love. The true measure of romantic love is commitment and trust not physical attraction.
7. It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Just think, if it is possible for you to love both of your parents at the same time why would it be impossible to feel romantic love for two people at once? Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion.
8. Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic love but it is never mandatory.
9. Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability.
10. Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated.

Top 24 Rejected Love Song Titles

2007-06-19T07:58:00.000-03:00

1. What's my criminal record got to do with it?
2. My wife doesn't mind that i love you
3. I love you (even though you're creepy)
4. "you can be replaced"
5. How can i miss you when you won't go away?
6. I love being in your underwear, er i mean life!
7. Damn, are you stupid, baby, or is it me?
8. I love you even more than your restraining order
9. I'd stick steel needles through my eyes for you, baby.
10. I love you more than i love masturbating
11. Oy, you're always there to remind me.
12. Every rose eventually dies
13. Glove slap, shut your big yap **(homer)**
14. Hey girl don't smother me
15. I like big guts
16. I will love you (untill you get old)
17. Just ignore those floating human heads
18. My loins itch for you
19. My wife is sweet, but my girlfriend's sweeter
20. I didn't know she was a cop
21. I love u.. And you, and you (points in different directions)
22. Your sweet like gefilte fish.
23. I love you but your mother's better
24. Big bottomed woman

Top 27 Things About Be A Kid Again

2007-06-18T08:21:00.000-03:00

1. Do a cartwheel.
2. Sing into your hairbrush.
3. Walk barefoot in wet grass.
4. Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
5. Dot all your “i”’s with smiley faces.
6. Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.
7. Dunk your cookies.
8. Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
9. Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
10. Change into some play clothes.
11. Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
12. Eat ice cream for breakfast.
13. Kiss a frog, just in case.
14. Blow the wrapper off a straw.
15. Have someone read you a story.
16. Find some pretty stones and save them.
17. Wear your favorite shirt with you favorite pants even if they don’t match.
18. Take a running jump over a big puddle.
19. Get someone to buy you something you really don’t need.
20. Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
21. Stay up past your bedtime.
22. Eat dessert first.
23. Fuss a little, then take a nap.
24. Wear red gym shoes.
25. Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
26. Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
27. Giggle a lot for no reason.

Top 25 Quotes about Peace

2007-06-17T22:02:00.000-03:00

1. "Peace be with you."
- The Bible: Genesis XLIII. 23

2. "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace."
- The Bible: Proverbs. III. 17

3. "If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another."
- Winston Churchill

4. "I prefer the most unfair peace to the most righteous war."
- Cicero.

5. "The most disadvantageous peace is better than the most just war."
- Desiderius Erasmus

6. "I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent."
- Mohandas K. Gandhi

7. "And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."
- Isaiah 2:4

8. "Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time."
- Lyndon B Johnson

9. "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind...War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today."
- John F. Kennedy

10. "Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures."
- John F. Kennedy

11. "At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

12. "Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

13. "The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

14. "Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."
- John Lennon

15. "All we are saying is give peace a chance..."
- John Lennon

16. "And so this is Xmas for black and for white, for yellow and red, let's stop all the fight."
- John Lennon

17. "The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."
- Abraham Lincoln

18. "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."
- A.J. Muste.

19. "Much violence is based on the illusion that life is a property to be defended and not to be shared."
- Henri Nouwen

20. "This is the way of peace: Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love."
- Peace Pilgrim.

21. "The way of peace is the way of love. Love is the greatest power on earth. It conquers all things."
- Peace Pilgrim

22. "One little person, giving all of her time to peace, makes news. Many people, giving some of their time, can make history."
- Peace Pilgrim

23. "Five enemies of peace inhabit with us -- avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride; if these were to be banished, we should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace."
- Petrarch (14th century)

24. "If you wish to be brothers, let the arms fall from your hands. One cannot love while holding offensive arms."
- Pope Pius VI

25. "Peace, like charity, begins at home."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Top 33 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

2007-06-16T08:09:00.000-03:00

1. Whoops
2. The OTHER left
3. Cool, watch what happens when I put my finger here!
4. I dunno either, i've never seen one before
5. I'm not the specialist, I though YOU were the specialist!
6. I Wonder Where This Piece Goes?????
7. Call the Lawyers! Stat!
8. Didn't you sharpen this thing?
9. She'll never know...
10. The fire alarm
11. Watch where that lands ... We might need it later
12. Ok, do we have our stories striahgt?
13. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
14. Nurse, please call and make sure my malpractice insurance is paid up.
15. He won't miss it....
16. How am I supposed to put this back in again?? Lefty loosy...righty tighty...
17. No..no..it's not going to stay, maybe we should try ducktape...
18. We Got A Gusher!
19. Did anyone see where I left my Rolex?
20. Nurse, hand me that syringe. Yes, Dr. Kevorkian.
21. ...er...pass me that...er...knife-type thingy...
22. Oh crap!! My gum...wheres my gum??
23. Oh s**t! This was supposed to be an apendecotomy?
24. CLEAR!
25. The leg bone's connected to the...how does that song go again?
26. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy
27. That was like that when we started right?
28. Wait a minute, if that is his spleen, then what's this?
29. We're going to have to remove your large intestine
30. [after closing] Aw crap, we've got parts left over.
31. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
32. I'm new at this.
33. The Blood Bank is Closed on weekendsget on Good Morning America.

Top 10 Romantic Things To Get Your Internet Valentine

2007-06-15T08:11:00.000-03:00

Top 40 Cool Things To Do Naked

2007-06-13T23:18:00.000-03:00

1. The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world.
2. CO-ED TWISTER!!!!!
3. Have sex. Now why wasn't this on here before?
4. Ask a police officer to let you back into your house.
5. Use your nakedness as a diversion while your accomplice steals a submarine.
6. Get coated in oil and wrestle supermodels on a plastic mat
7. Run through Wal-mart yelling, "I'm Free!"
8. Take Finals
9. Crouch alone in your basement. Mumble incomprehensibly.
10. Sit in your car and see how many ways you can honk the horn
11. Absolutely Anything on the beach
12. Swimming, of course - but not alone (Nasty!)
13. Wrap your head in tin foil and tell others how aliens are bugging your clothes
14. Anything you do clothed... Except using power-tools
15. Chant in icomprehensivelyand bow down to the park statue
16. Cook anything but Bacon
17. Go to a house! You know which one!
18. Jiggle
19. Learning how to spell "masturbate"
20. Run into a neighbors house weilding a chainsaw screaming that they've been bad
21. Vote on Keepers of Lists
22. Drink heavily with dozens of attractive super models
23. Fry bacon
24. Go to work and act like everything is cool
25. Master your bate
26. Masterbate
27. Run into the feminists convention yelling incoreherently
28. Hitch Hike
29. Polka! Polka! Polka!!
30. Shiver
31. Dance in front of your pets
32. Sky Dive
33. Run across the stage during oscar night
34. Think outside the box
35. Run down the green on a golf course.
36. Work in your yard in full view of neighbors (attractive people ONLY)
37. Cook bacon. "Maybe now i'll learn not to burn it!"
38. Jeopardy!
39. Well, duh! What ELSE would you be doing!
40. Drive cross country

Top 27 Things You'd Find At Indiana Jones' Garage Sale

2007-06-13T08:04:00.000-03:00

1. Grizzled old man who says "You chose...poorly" at everyone who picks up an item
2. Delicately placed bags of sand replacing stolen items
3. Whips! Whips! Whips!
4. Rejection letters from various Life Insurance Companies
5. Big box of maps on which 'X' didn't actually mark the spot
6. Gigantic rolling boulder repellent
7. Hats. Lots and Lots of Hats.
8. A rack of leather jackets riddled with bullet holes and arm pit stains
9. A sign over the door "The penitant man shall pass"
10. Plundered relics - 50 cents each - or 3 for a dollar
11. Snake Repellent
12. The stuff Marion left after he booted her alcoholic butt out of his apartment
13. Atemple of doom
14. Nazi Lapel Pin
15. Stuffed Monkey: forever captured in timeless mid 'sig heil'
16. A black book with all the names crossed out.
17. French Maid outfit (complete with "kinky whip")
18. Dogbowl engraved with Indiana on the side of it
19. 3 Pigmies for a dollar.
20. A distinct lack of anything snake-like
21. Holy grail
22. Harrison Ford's career
23. Really old indian food leftovers in a clay pot.
24. Tom Clancy Novels
25. A cigarette lighter shaped like a revolver with vibrating handle
26. Autographed copy of Mein Kampf
27. Nothing. Everythings in museums (has no one watched them movies?)

Top 22 Ways to Tell if Its True Love

2007-06-11T20:30:00.000-03:00

1. You can picture her clothed.
2. You haven't showered and have been fishing all day and she still wants some
3. The ring goes on *before* the kid comes out
4. She votes all your "items" up
5. She doesnt get mad when she's talked forever and you look up and say "What?"
6. She buys you mutton, mead, or bandwidth for your birthday
7. She NEVER has a headache at night
8. It's in his kiss
9. He spray-painted your name on an overpass.
10. You agree to watch "Sleepless in Seatle" with her, for the 8th time
11. She doesn't just swallow. She gargles first.
12. She offers to pop zits you can't reach
13. She screams your name for once
14. If the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
15. He agrees to the strap-on "experiment"
16. You cant stop thinking about her
17. She doesn't charge you for the second hour
18. If you have to ask, the answer is No.
19. Tests show a sudden drop in IQ
20. They'll let you sleep
21. If he/she laughs at your large intestine jokes
22. If you hurl, and she comes back

Top 27 Things Never To Say To Suicide Hotline Caller

2007-06-11T08:15:00.000-03:00

1. Can you hurry up please? My shift is about to end
2. Your voice sounds familiar - am I sleeping with your wife?
3. Oh man! We just lost another one! What were you saying?
4. Gee. And I thought my life sucked!
5. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... Could you please start over again?
6. Hold please!
7. Look, if you do go through with it - can I have your car?
8. For only $19.95, you can upgrade to our platinum service.
9. Yeah, I think you should go for it!
10. I heard they were making 'Battlefield Earth 2'.
11. You have a really sexy voice. Keep talking. You're turning me on
12. *bzzz* All circuits are busy now, please call again later.
13. Dude, that's nothing compared to what this other guy went through yesterday
14. You won't really do it! If you wanted to do it, you would have never called me
15. He'll only be president for 4 more years
16. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm realy just the janitor . . .
17. If you were REALLY serious, you'd slit your wrists lengthwise.
18. Dude, you suck. *click*
19. Like I care?
20. You know, suicide is an unredeemable sin, god hates you for thinking of it!
21. Is that your final answer?
22. Of COURSE you're depressed. This is because you're inferior.
23. You want fries with that?
24. I'm sorry, I truly don't care
25. Just start up another dot com...really!
26. I don't think you have the guts to jump!
27. Wrong number this is..uhhh...912

Top 22 Things Superman Does On A Date

2007-06-10T08:13:00.000-03:00

1. Claims there must be kryptonite in the room, cause this usually never happens.
2. Impresses her by crushing coal into diamond
3. Undress her with his x-ray vision.
4. I know it's a little far, but I really wanted some Kansas City BBQ
5. Fly her home
6. Proves that he's faster than a speeding bullet.
7. "Pays for dinner... Like a real man!"
8. Dinner, movie, and save the world...you know, typical date stuff.
9. "Cold? Here, borrow my cape."
10. Proves that he's more powerful than a locomotive.
11. Shows her EXACTLY why he's called 'Super'man
12. Shows her why he is nick named the man of steel
13. Changes 3 times during the evening
14. On a blind date, says, "I'm not a bird, or a plane, just Superman."
15. Picks up car to impress date
16. Destroys his virginity
17. Lois Lane
18. Anything he wants
19. Goes off to 'fight crime' before the check is paid.
20. Politely declines reservations at the "Kryptonite BBQ Eatery."
21. Woops, that's lazer-vision, not x-ray vision. Oh well-he can get another date
22. "I am just a citizen trying to get laid"

Top 20 Symptoms Of Being In Love

2007-06-09T23:49:00.000-03:00

1. Sudden fascination with bands you couldn't stand last week
2. You change your underwear more often
3. Even Trigonometric equations remind you of *HER*
4. you can talk to women without wondering what they look like naked
5. Difficulty focussing on your wor.. what was I doing again?
6. Suddenly no extra money
7. Swallowing instead of spitting
8. He'll hold your purse, even in front of the guys
9. Carpet burns in strange places...
10. Extreme paranoia
11. Logic center of brain temporarily shut down
12. You finally have a reason to spend all day in bed
13. Inablity to wipe the smug smile from ur face
14. painful postponement of flatulent outbursts
15. no need to exercise - you've attracted a mate
16. People wonder what is different about you
17. Being turned down by her seems like the end of the world
18. Unexplained Happiness
19. You see her face on almost every woman everywhere you go
20. the D on your physics test no longer bothers you

Top 52 Phrases That Should Never Follow "I Love You"

2007-06-09T07:59:00.000-03:00

1. ...but not like THAT
2. There! Happy now?
3. And your twin sister.
4. "...for not calling the police"
5. "Jen...er, Veron...Lisa! I said Lisa!"
6. -Now lets have sex
7. But ...
8. Please put down that axe.
9. But that will still be fifty bucks!
10. But I'm not IN love with you
11. When you're tied up in that position.
12. Like a brother
13. Now give me the remote
14. No... Nevermind, that's just the drugs talking
15. Now go away
16. But I love your sister more
17. But you still can't have my bud lite
18. Please open this attachment
19. "...Which is why I have to kill you"
20. About as much as I love microsoft.
21. But not as much as your cat
22. Now can we have sex?
23. Now get out of the way of the TV!
24. Now please, can I have the gun?
25. Now will you sleep with me
26. "Thanks...how much do you charge again?"
27. Lets get married
28. Almost as much as I love my cat
29. *pfffft* Excuse me
30. For a price
31. I thought you should know that before I told you that I...
32. Like a bad case of the clap
33. Now put down that flamethrower!
34. Now leave me alone
35. But I love my brother more...
36. When you're mad like this
37. But not as much as a sheep
38. Now can you show me that funny thing you do with your tongue again?
39. But not as much as...
40. If The Price is Right!
41. Why are you giving me a restraining order?
42. You freak
43. "buuurrrrp"
44. "more than my computers, dear."
45. All your heart are belong to us.
46. But then again, I'm on mescaline, so I love *everybody*
47. Please Hold.
48. Love is just a chemical reaction though
49. Mr Gates
50. Now will you take out the trash
51. So, anal sex then...
52. "I love you... In that short skirt."

Top 25 Things Girl Want Guys To Know

2007-06-08T08:11:00.000-03:00

1. The little things you do mean the most
2. We can like boy stuff too
3. We can tell when your not listening so listen up
4. Were not perfect so deal with it
5. We dont always look our best so get over it
6. We love surprises
7. When we say were cold thats our invitation to come closer
8. A kiss on the cheek is a definite yes
9. Cursing and fighting dont impress us
10. We love it when you cuddle with us
11. Dont be mean to us to get our attention
12. Dont tell us who is hot because we dont care
13. It doesn't lick itself
14. You have put on our makeup
15. The g spot, although nearby, is not that freckle on the pube line.
16. We really do love naked pillow fights with our lady friends
17. Were always ready to talk so call us
18. If we tell you were gay it means go way.
19. We dont like it in the butt
20. "can't we just get along?"
21. Hugs mean more sometimes
22. The 'other' meaning to every thing they say
23. We will never ask 'does my but look big in this?' seriously. Deal.
24. You've seen one car chase/explosion, you've seen them all.
25. Size doesnt matter so dont tell us

Top 16 Dysfunctional Doomsday Device

2007-06-07T02:05:00.000-03:00

1. A solar-powered device that blocks out the sun
2. An army of mimes trapped in a giant imaginary box
3. A device that turns all the raindrops into lemondrops and gumdrops
4. A solar powered rain machine
5. A device that dumps massive amounts of dihydrogen monoxide into the ocean.
6. Bomb run with a microsoft windows opperating system
7. George Bush
8. A giant "Taser" on the moon
9. Carp with friggin shock prods
10. A device that blocks out the sun, but only during solar eclipses
11. The "Nude" bomb
12. Radioactive Ferrets
13. A laser cannon that only cuts through air
14. Religious prophecy and the prophet's who predict them.
15. Tribbles
16. The toaster

Top 20 Things South Park Teaches Us

2007-06-05T18:25:00.000-03:00

1. Cartman's mom is a dirty slut
2. Jew jokes are always funny
3. The Chewbacca Defense works!
4. Worcestershire sauce is NOT to be used as embalming fluid
5. Jesus is still alive, and he lives in a small mountain town in Colorado
6. Russell Crowe likes making movies, singing songs and fightin' 'round the world
7. Canada is the root of all evil in our children.
8. You can say s*** 173 times without getting canceled
9. Not to forget to bring a towel
10. Trying to extermenate the jews will only get you grounded for a couple of weeks
11. Canadians all have egg-shaped haeds and beady black eyes
12. Cartman got an anal probe
13. John Edward is the biggest douche in the universe
14. There is an underground ring of gnomes that collect underpants
15. Cripple fights are AWESOME!
16. John Stamos' older brother CAN hit the high F in "Loving You"
17. Kyle's mom's a bitch
18. Mel Gibson is @#@#%$ up
19. Mr. Garrison is a gay gay basher
20. That Cartman can pretty much lead any group of dumb people if he tries

Top 24 Signs Of The Apocalypse For Nerds

2007-06-05T08:22:00.000-03:00

1. Linus Torvalds vows alleigance to Bill Gates
2. Battlestar Galatica is canceled
3. 4 horsemen - armageddon virus, starving disc space, war(craft), and bsod.
4. 80 year olds can use a computer just as well as they can
5. A new law will make it so that computers can only legaly be built by Dell.
6. Bittorrent and Usenet go "Porn Free"
7. Microsoft buys out Apple.
8. Microsoft buys Slashdot
9. Square Enix is bought out by EA
10. The licence to distribute firefox has been purchased by microsoft
11. The Star Wars prequels
12. Fark discontinues the Photoshop Contest
13. They all die because of a nuclear missle----that they launched
14. War hammer goes out of business
15. Windows runs on a Macintosh. Oh wait...
16. A virus is created deleting all the hentai on the net.
17. The internet goes down and no one cares
18. Warcraft Stops Being Published
19. All the yaoi on the internet dissapears (for girls)
20. AOL stops sending stupid cds every month
21. Massive DDOS attack shuts down slashdot
22. AMD and Intel, or nvidia and ATI joining forces
23. Internet Connection Fails
24. The 666th spin-off of star trek

Top 24 Signs Your Girlfriend Is Gonna Dump You...

2007-06-04T20:15:00.000-03:00

1. She says she has to tell you something... On Jerry Springer.
2. She is meeting with your wife
3. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
4. Her love letters come soaked in Formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. You find that voodoo doll that looks just like you in her car...
6. Come home to find all your stuff on the sidewalk.
7. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
8. She hasn't returned your calls in a couple of months.
9. That sex change operation she has scheduled.
10. A restraining order with your name on it delivered by a sheriff's deputy
11. There are used condoms on the nightstand and you haven't scored in weeks
12. You see her talking to your other gilfriend
13. Your other girlfriend told you so.
14. You notice all your stuff is for sale on craigslist.
15. You're mentioned in her suicide note
16. Is not you, it's me..
17. She comes to your house with her new boyfriend.
18. You told me you used Debian!
19. She changes her phone number ans does not tell you the new one
20. She starts talking about someone else and mentions them more each day.
21. That look in her face, and you just can't tell her anything...
22. There's a lineup for the men's room...at your house.
23. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
24. You saw her at the flower shop buying "the dumping" bouquet.

Top 19 Signs Your Child Is Emo

2007-06-04T05:10:00.000-03:00

1. "Go away while I write sad poetry"
2. He's always in two moods. Depressed, or asleep.
3. All those cuts...
4. Your child wears very tight jeans... And is a dude.
5. You hear him mutter "My middle class life sucks"
6. You find him making out with other boys.
7. "Dad, cigarettes aren't suicide, they are time savers."
8. "No mom, the razor just fell on my wirst"
9. As opposed to elmo, I hope?
10. He's short and has red fur... Oh, thats the other list they changed
11. If they're female, you find yaoi printouts in their room. Male? Likewise.
12. If you didn't know better, you wouldn't know their gender.
13. One eye is fully covered by his/her side fringe
14. The eight or nine bottles of fluorescent temporary hair dye in the trash...
15. They not a rudeboy any more
16. They write sad songs about how none of the other kids will play with them
17. U hear "Remember kids Razor Ray Says ' Always down the street never across" TV
18. You constantly hear "My life is a black abyss..."
19. If he/she has ever enjoyed a My Chemical Romance song.

Top 24 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

2007-06-02T20:07:00.000-03:00

1. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
2. Dogs don't care if you come home smelling like other dogs
3. Dogs love it when your friends come over
4. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
5. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
7. You can have several, and they'll even get along
8. Dogs don't cry
9. Dogs stop yapping when you let them in
10. Always faithful
11. You can get surgery to remove a dog's vocal cords when it makes too much noise
12. Dogs actually like you cooking
13. Dogs don't have headaches
14. Non stop licking..
15. They always want to hump you
16. They lick genitals often and with enthusiasm.
17. Won't be a offended by calling them a b itch
18. Dogs don't talk and they've alredy got a fur
19. Dogs know how to lick their genitals properly.
20. You can't get a dog pregnant.
21. Their large intestines are bigger.
22. Calling a dog a b*tch is actually a good thing
23. They don't complain when you have them spayed.
24. You can get away with calling a female dog a b*tch

Top 40 Things Death Might Put On His Job Application

2007-06-01T06:36:00.000-03:00

1. Works well with the elderly and infirmed
2. Over 10,000,000,000 satisfied customers in my voluntary work
3. Always on time
4. Past skills: solved overpopulation
5. Can assist in downsizing departments.
6. Extensive collections experience
7. Good motivational skills
8. Business rivals no longer a problem
9. Busy during times of war
10. Greatest strength: nothing like the forces of hell to motivate employees
11. Weakness: anything i touch dies so handshakes could be a problem
12. I have been featured on south park and family guy.
13. Not afraid to get my hands dirty
14. Punctual
15. Good with farming tools
16. Many years work experiance with the elderly
17. I accept payment in both cash and living souls.
18. I have no distractions like family or a wife to keep me off work
19. Meets everyone eventually
20. Enjoy overtime
21. Good at lowering headcount
22. Hire me... Or else
23. Will work weekends if needed
24. Have an svq+hnd in death and studying for my masters degree
25. References:satan, phone number:666 hell
26. Can you use own iniative
27. I know what you did last summer.
28. Don't need a lunch break
29. Chief cook and fire stoker of hell
30. Doorman for hell's green room
31. Good with tools
32. Helps people with that whole 'life' problem
33. After-life soul manager
34. Casting director for american idol
35. My reaping percentage is at 9 nines
36. Satan's lackey
37. Good people skills
38. Simon cowel's agent
39. Will bring own black robe
40. Expert in soul round-up

Top 33 Worst Things For The Best Man To Say During His Speech

2007-05-31T22:50:00.000-03:00

1. I hope you enjoy her as much as I have
2. I guess this means no more "Fishin Trips" Brokeback Mountain style
3. And you should have seen what he did with that stripper
4. She will make a great wife for him, shes very pretty and gives great @#%$jobs
5. Stan, I gotta tell you, Becky is real good in bed...
6. I...er...object?
7. "Virgin" *snicker*
8. And to the bride and her maids, thank you for last night
9. Hey Folks lets hope the 3rd times a charm
10. Thank You for Marrying my Ex-Wife, Now There is No more Alimony
11. Please enjoy her as much as I did
12. You know after what me and (brides name) did last night im surprised shes here
13. I've slept with the Groom
14. Wait till she knows your hiv positive
15. Look at you now last time i was here you were the bride
16. I hope you make my Mom happy
17. I'm sure the children won't be too ugly.
18. When will i get that 20 bucks back you borrowed for the ring
19. Who's getting married?
20. "My large intestine"
21. Looks like our gigolo days are over
22. Now even though i love your wife
23. Does your wife know you changed you name from bundy
24. "And to George, the husband, who's a real fine as#.
25. She has the cleanest (blank) i have ever tasted
26. Thank You, I like a warm hand on my opening...
27. That hooker last night was...
28. I'm a woman
29. Thanks for that wonderful time last night (says wifs name)
30. Yeah, the bride's seen my Oh face. You know what i'm talking about. Oh Oh.
31. "I had her"
32. "I'd hit it!"
33. I banged the bride to be

Top 40 Reasons To Know If You're Obsessed With Naruto

2007-05-31T09:39:00.000-03:00

1. You tell your boss you're going to type up his report "Ninja style!"
2. You secretly envy Orochimaru, because he got to lick Sasuke. More than once.
3. You spend 200$ on Sharingan contacts
4. You wear a mask and headband over your eye like Kakashi
5. You've run for the office of 'Hokage' in your hometown.
6. You actually know what Naruto is (I had to go to Wikipedia to look it up)
7. You believe that your entire family was killed by your nukenin brother
8. You blurt out "I'm a Ninja! Believe it!" a little too often at work
9. You call all the Emo kids Gaara
10. You insert the word Dattebayo at random into conversations
11. You put naruto character names to your friends
12. You say "Believe It!!!" after ever sentence you say.
13. You say "Rasengan,Chidori,Byakugan,Sharingan,Mengyoku Sharingan,Naruto Rendan".
14. Hinata is very beautifull
15. Instead of 'Oh,my god',you say,'Kami-sama!'
16. When Naruto comes on, you tell everyone to shut the hell up b-c your man's on!
17. You call other,lesser quality ninja shows, "HERESY!!!"
18. You consider your ID (part of the brain thingy) a sealed-away demon
19. You find Orochimaru disturbing yet strangely sexy after watching TV for 5 hours
20. You only like women with a 4" waist and huge eyes.
21. You run down the halls of your school, yelling, 'Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!'
22. You submitted this list or any items on this list
23. You throw Shurikens at innocent passerby, convinced they are 'enemies'
24. You try to create a clone like Naruto
25. You're 25 and puberty has somehow passed you over.
26. Two words... "Believe it!"
27. You defect from your 'Village' (home) because you 'have to kill someone'
28. You make yourself blind to intimidate the Byakugan
29. You are hyper and wear an orange jumpsuit
30. You call anyone you respect sama,or hime,or Sensei
31. You call your instructors, Sensei!
32. You can't sleep because 'Shukaku will drive you insane'
33. You consider commiting suicide when Naruto doesn't come on (like me, hehehehe)
34. You insist upon calling the President 'Hokage-Sama'
35. You wear spandex. (Enough said.)
36. Your 'deceased' family is not acknowledged by you
37. Said split-personality lends you power (or so you think)
38. Sasuke is HOT.
39. Whenever ne-1 makes you angry, you preform hand seals and mutter
40. You convince yourself that you're a Jinchuriki

Top 20 Lesser-Known Military Acronyms

2007-05-31T00:37:00.000-03:00

1. ROTC- Run Off to Canada
2. P.A.I.N : Probable Artillery Incoming Now
3. BOHICA - Bend over, here it comes again
4. AWACS - Airborne Without A Clue Syndrome
5. FRENCH (Fleeing, Running, Eating, Not Carrying Honor)
6. d.p.t.t.a.m - dont point that thing at me
7. WHABIPH - We have a big interesting problem here
8. A.F.I. - Another F#&@ing Inconvenience
9. BOGSATT - Bunch of guys sitting around the table
10. FRIFIS - Forget recon, I feel it's safe!
11. Lie - Logistical informational error
12. SWAG - Scientific Wild-Arse Guess
13. WOMBAT - Waste of Money, Brains and time.
14. DILLIGAF - Does It Look Like I Give a F#&@?
15. Large Inbound Soviet Target-LIST
16. YAA - Yet Another Acronym
17. M.I.L.F - Minorly invasive landing failure
18. W.h.a.t.D.o.e.s.T.h.i.s.B.u.t.t.o.n.D.o. - Secret ministry of defense policy
19. P.I.A. (pandas in action)
20. BOCOD The date to stop masturbating in order to save it up for your girlfriend

25 Things You Should Have Learned by The Time You Have Reached Middle Age

2007-05-30T12:01:00.000-03:00

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

20 Signs That Your Town Is Isolated From The World

2007-05-30T02:11:00.000-03:00

1. You cannot read this list as you have no internet connection
2. Everyone in your community thinks it is 1897
3. "burn the witch"
4. The town still thinks the pony express is the fastest form of delivery
5. There are 10000 people and only 2 surnames
6. The armish seem technologiclly advanced
7. Virgin sacrifice never went out of fashion
8. You have a deep-seated fear of "That Whence We Do Not Speak Of"
9. Two Words "Battle Mountain"
10. It's not even on the world map.
11. You still think that you are a British Colony
12. People are still tried as witches
13. You wonder when President Truman will come to town again.
14. You've never heard of Starbucks Coffee
15. Nobody had considered the earth moving around the sun
16. You don't have internet, you have Fidonet
17. You speak Latin.
18. Your next-door neighbor hurries over and buries that red flower in your yard
19. That isn't a river, it's a moat
20. The latest "current event" includes that Lincon was assassinated

Top 10 Bugs or Insects to find in your bowl of Soup!

2007-05-29T13:00:00.000-03:00

1.)Your smallest sibling.
2.)Flea.
3.)Inchworm.
4.)Earwig.
5.)Silverfish.
6.)Jumping Bean.
7.)Lice.
8.)Deer Tick.
9.)Roach.
10.)Fly.

48 Ways To Tell You Are Living A Life Of Crime

2007-05-29T11:46:00.001-03:00

1. Trunk space is your first concern when buying a new car.
2. 'Spring cleaning' involves rolled up carpets in dumpsters...
3. You have a recurring guest spot on America's Most Wanted
4. Your mom won't hug you with a wallet in her pocket
5. No one wants your book titled "If I Did It"
6. "Stay one step ahead of the law" is on your things to do list
7. You are reading this list using your neighbors Wi-fi you're in politics
8. A large watertight trunk is a selling point for a vehicle
9. Can't get rid of dead body smell from trunk.
10. You know how to clean blood off of your gun
11. You subscribe to "Parolee Monthly"
12. Your family and friends only visit on Sunday.
13. If the other Glove fits you best view of outside is through the Bars on the windows
14. You make the 'Richest 100' list, with no apparent source of income.
15. Martha Stewart is your pen pal.
16. There is a metal detector at your front door.
17. You break things when people forget to pay their insurance
18. You wake up in a cell with a sore butt.
19. If you are always shopping out of the back of a Truck in Jersey
20. If You use the term Innocent a lot!
21. The only houseplants you own are growing marajuana.
22. You stole a Coreo Ookie
23. you were just elected to a political office
24. You've heard "Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head" before
25. Your address starts with an Inmate Number
26. They pay you a lot of cash to move their 'dirty laundry'
27. You have a bail bondsmen on speed dial
28. Your entire family is mafia
29. Your last date was with 13 skinheads in the shower
30. Cconversations with your friends all happen at 3am, and last 2 minutes
31. Real life is more interesting then the GTA series
32. The swat team have you on speed dial
33. You "Assume the position" even while sleeping.
34. You are running out of places to hide the bodies
35. You shopping list includes Hookers, Guns and Money
36. You think OJ was just miss understood
37. Your Myspace Friends Are Al Capone and John Gotti
38. "Said she was 18. Don't know how the fire started. Drugs!? What drugs?"
39. You got a christmas card from you attorney
40. You purchase "Enron Cookbooks"
41. You're on the most wanted list
42. You have a collection of large intestines
43. Every time you play, "Grand Theft Auto", the cops stand by your house.
44. You appear in the bank selling people money
45. You own "Scarface" in the Director's Cut and Collector's Edition
46. Your face is on the front page of the newspaper, and not in a good way
47. Evil plans of robbery litter your bedroom
48. Gifts you get where gifts the neighbors got before

Top 33 Why I'm Sure God Has A Sense Of Humor...

2007-05-29T11:46:00.000-03:00

1. Cause random molecules aren't dumb enough to create organized religion.
2. He made us with free will; and watches us discuss fate!
3. The platypus
4. everytime someone predicts the end of the world, he pushes the date back a bit
5. He only talks to people he knows no one will believe.
6. The French...
7. God made men. Men fart. Men think farts are funny. Go is a funny man.
8. One word: Sex
9. the keepers
10. gunpowder
11. Have you ever looked at a naked guy? Need I explain?
12. I exist
13. One Word: Men
14. online dating and the BS it contains
15. the insane
16. Morning Wood
17. That weird deja vu thing..
18. You're the only driver on the road that knows jack about driving.
19. Blondes
20. I once helped my dad plant 654 potato halves in the garden & got dandelions!
21. The ages of 2 to 4.
22. The giraffe
23. explain the mormans/jehovas
24. Belly buttons
25. Hindsight
26. Superfriends
27. Telemarketers
28. Christian Self-Helps
29. Coincedences
30. Lawyers
31. My toes
32. Cats
33. Door-to-door religious types

Top 10 Reasons to give for missing the Toilet

2007-05-29T08:00:00.000-03:00

1.)I couldn't breathe, because someone stunk the bathroom up before me!
2.)I'm partially blind in my left eye.
3.)I didn't miss, it's just your imagination!
4.)I thought I was done!
5.)I only have one hand!
6.)I was trying to eat a taco!
7.)The toilet moved!
8.)I forgot to put the cordless phone down!
9.)I fainted.
10.)I was "distracted."

Top 10 Places to find your Remote Control!

2007-05-28T23:28:00.000-03:00

1.)Wedged up your behind.
2.)In your bag of potato chips.
3.)In the Microwave.
4.)Duct Taped to your dog.
5.)Stuck between the Couch Cushions.
6.)In the Toilet.
7.)In the Refrigerator.
8.)In the Trash Can.
9.)In those old Pizza Boxes.
10.)In your Fishtank.

Expressions of Women on High Stress Days

2007-05-28T11:24:00.000-03:00

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home

Top 10 Places to be found in your Underwear

2007-05-28T08:04:00.000-03:00

1.)An Asylum while visiting a friend.
2.)Nude Beach.
3.)Prom.
4.)Party.
5.)Taco Bell.
6.)Church.
7.)Concert.
8.)Supermarket.
9.)Work.
10.)School.

Top 10 Ways to let a friend know you don't like them anymore

2007-05-28T01:00:00.000-03:00

1. Mail them a letter that briefly states, "Sorry, wrong person."
2. Have them babysit your pet monkey right before you potty-train it.
3. Invite them to lunch at the Taco Bell, and don't show.
4. Burp in their face, and don't apologize.
5. Give them a rap CD for a birthday present.
6. Say, "I don't like you!"
7. Tell them that N. Weed Day is 4/21 so they miss all the fun.
8. Write a really vicious poem about them, and give it to their parents.
9. Lock them in the shed.
10. Give them a Pokemon Video, and every time they sneeze, say "Pikachu!"

Top 25 Signs That The Honeymoon Is Over

2007-05-25T22:55:00.000-03:00

1. You're waiting in bed, but she's online creating new lists
2. She switched from lingerie to pjs
3. You just found out she's pregnant
4. Has no problem taking a dump while you're in the bathroom brushing your teeth
5. You just received your credit card statement
6. The inlaws just moved in with you
7. "I think my period just started"
8. "Not tonight, I have a headache."
9. She forgot how to give a bj
10. Your kids start to complain about the noise
11. Shes just met your mistress
12. The air bubbles stop
13. The other woman in your bed
14. Your "Date Night" has turned into mac'n'cheese and American Idol
15. You just found out he slept with your Maid of Honor
16. She learned how to fart.
17. The cops are dragging the groom away with murder charges
18. You are out of viagra
19. You catch her screwing the pool boy
20. You have to put your dentures on the bedside table
21. You just found out he slept with his Best Man
22. At the airport going home
23. He violated his parole while on vacation and is back in the slammer
24. Let the arguements begin!
25. She pulls a Leona Bobbit

Top 10 Places to Lose your Keys

2007-05-25T11:59:00.000-03:00

1. They're not lost - your pet monkey just stole them!
2. They're with your marbles.
3. You don't own anything that requires a key and you just forgot.
4. On a long fishing trip.
5. In a dark movie theatre.
6. In an airport terminal halfway across the country.
7. Inside someone else's car.
8. Inside your car.
9. In that motel room...
10. On Public transit.

Top 33 Things Guys Want Girls To Know

2007-05-25T01:01:00.000-03:00

1. The only reason I'm your boyfriend, is that hookers cost money.
2. Its not all about sex... Just 99 percent of the time
3. The beer should be open when you bring it to us.
4. Spitting is crude, learn to swallow
5. There is never a bad time for sex
6. The red light means the video camera is off.
7. We don't care what dress you wear. We care what you don't wear under it
8. Tell us exactly what you want - don't make us guess
9. Don't sue us for staring at your chest. Think of it as a compliment.
10. Sex ≠ love
11. Masturbation doesn't mean we don't love you
12. While you might LLOOVVEE sex, I love SSEEXX.
13. If I can't oogle other women, I can't know how pretty you are.
14. Blue balls are not sporting equipment (didnt your mother teach you not to quit)
15. Don't bother to talk, I'm not listening anyway.
16. Every time you have sex with me your boobs get bigger
17. Say what you want, not what you think you should say so we guess what you want
18. We hate hearing you say your fat
19. Your period should be known as blow job week
20. Your mouth is prettier when it's not talking.
21. That they love them (gaining the ladies vote)
22. We are the dumbest beings in the universe.
23. Curly is the bald one
24. Farts ARE funny!
25. How to play video games
26. They need to shut up
27. We don't need any Whine with our cheese
28. We know there's a 'third input', but we're happy with just the first.
29. We really do only care about boobs.
30. "Hmmm" feels good
31. The word bitch is a sign of affection
32. It's not gona suck itself
33. Stop complaining, or i'll really see the light.

Top 10 Things to do during a Sermon

2007-05-24T05:31:00.000-03:00

1. Say 'Amen!' once your pet monkey - the visiting preacher - is done.
2. Write a top ten list cause your so damn bored.
3. Raise your hand.
4. Grin as if you had a pleasant week.
5. Turn off your hearing aid.
6. Blow your nose -- really, really loud.
7. Check out some of the attractive people in the choir.
8. Laugh at ridiculous religious jokes.
9. Pick your nose.
10. Sleep.

Top 10 Signs Your Spouse loves your Cat more than They Love You!

2007-05-23T23:27:00.000-03:00

1. Your spouse left you... and the cat's gone, too.
2. Your cat is in the will, but you're not. In the event of your cat's death, your cat's kittens are next on the list.
3. When your spouse leaves messages before they leave, they always place them at the very bottom of the fridge.
4. When your spouse gets home, you always hear "Meow Meow Meow" before "Honey, I'm home!"
5. At Christmas, your spouse includes the cat's name on Christmas cards, but sometimes forgets to list your name.
6. There's never any toilet paper but there's always plenty of cat litter.
7. On your answering machine, you're mailbox #3. (Your cat is #1.
8. On your answering machine, you're mailbox #3. (Your cat is #2.
9. Your cat gets taken out to dinner more often than you do.
10. The cat gets to sit in the front seat on long car rides.

Top 12 Worst Things a Teacher Can Do

2007-05-23T00:35:00.000-03:00

1) Avoid smiling and being friendly with your students.
While you should start each year with a tough stance and the idea that it is easier to let up than to get harder, this does not mean that you shouldn’t have students believe that you aren’t happy to be there.

2) Becoming friends with students while they are in class.
You should be friendly but not become friends. Friendship implies give and take. This can put you in a tough situation with all the students in the class. Teaching is not a popularity contest and you are not just one of the guys or girls. Always remember that.

3) Stop your lessons and confront students for minor infractions in class
When you confront students over minor infractions in class, there is no possible way to create a win-win situation. The offending student will have no way out and this can lead to even greater problems. It is much better to pull them aside and talk to them one-on-one.

4) Humiliate students to try and get them to behave.
Humiliation is a terrible technique to use as a teacher. Students will either be so cowed that they will never feel confident in your classroom, so hurt that they will not trust you ever again, or so upset that they can turn to disruptive methods of retaliation.

5) Yell.
Once you've yelled you've lost the battle. This doesn't mean you won't have to raise your voice every once in awhile but teachers who yell all the time are often those with the worst classes.

6) Give your control over to the students.
Any decisions that are made in class should be made by you for good reasons. Just because students are trying to get out of a quiz or test does not mean that you should allow that to happen unless there is a good and viable reason. You can easily become a doormat if you give in to all demands.

7) Treat students differently based on personal likes and dislikes.
Face it. You are human and there will be kids you will like more than others. However, you must try your hardest never to let this show in class. Call on all students equally. Do not lessen punishments for students you really like.

8) Create rules that are essentially unfair.
Sometimes the rules themselves can put you in bad situations. For example, if a teacher has a rule that allows for no work to be turned in after the bell rings then this could set up a difficult situation. What if a student has a valid excuse? What makes a valid excuse? These are situations it would be best to just avoid.

9) Gossip and complain about other teachers.
There will be days when you hear things from students about other teachers that you just think are terrible. However, you should be noncommittal to the students and take your concerns to the teacher themselves or to administration. What you say to your students is not private and will be shared.

10) Be inconsistent with grading and/or accepting late work.
Make sure that you have consistent rules on this. Do not allow students to turn in late work for full points at any time because this takes away the incentive to turn in work on time. Further, use rubrics when you are grading assignments that require subjectivity. This helps protect you and explain the reason for the students' grades.

11) Come to class without a plan.
The days that you try to wing it are the days when you will feel the most rushed and get the least done. In fact, the best way to create lessons is to start with your assessment in mind and then work backwards including many methods to get the information across. This can only happen with advance planning..

12) Teach using only one method (i.e., only photocopies, only lecture, etc.).
Students will get bored leading to disruption. Further, you will probably lose those students who could benefit from other forms of instruction.

Top 48 Amazing Facts

2007-05-22T20:46:00.000-03:00

1. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
2. Taco Bell changed the Chilito's name to the Chili Cheese Burrito, only after discovering that "chilito" was a derogatory slang term in Spanish that meant "small penis."
3. In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.
4. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
5. Studies prove it’s harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you findsexually attractive.
6. 66% pet owners claim they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom during ovemaking.
7. "Anorgasmy" is the clinical term for the inability to achieve orgasm.
8. Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200.
9. Average speed of male ejaculation: 28 miles per hour.
10. About 50% of women have one breast that is larger than the other.
11. Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the large member aesthetically unappealing.
12. The word "vanilla" comes from the Latin word for vagina, because of the vanilla pod's resemblance to the female genitalia.
13. The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right, although the reverse may be true of left-handed men.
14. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.
15. The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."
16. It takes just 35 days for a mouse to reach sexual maturity. It takes a female gorilla six years to reach sexual maturity.
17. In 1709 it was believed that the widespread infertility of Spanish women was due to singing during sex.
18. "Erotodromomania" is the abnormal impulse to travel to escape painful sexual situations.
19. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
20. A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.
21. The clinical term for a hairy buttocks is "daysypgal."
22. The Netherlands has the lowest incidence of teen pregnancies, abortions and sexually transmitted diseases among Western nations.
23. An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
24. Ultrasound tests have revealed that male fetuses have the capability for erections in the last trimester of gestation.
25. The well-recognized Egyptian Ankh is actually a symbol representing the male and female sex organs the upper oval represents the womb of the woman, and the lower vertical line represents the sexual organ of the male.
26. More than 110 billion Tampax tampons have been sold since 1936.
27. The first automatic vibrator was invented in 1869 and was steam powered. It was used to treat female disorders.
28. The gestation period of the macaque is 160 days. For sheep, it’s 150 days. For dogs, it’s 61 days.
29. According to Kinsey, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.
30. Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
31. The average teaspoon of semen contains 5-7 calories.
32. The origin of the word "penis" is Latin, meaning "tail."
33. About 100 calories are burned during human sexual intercourse.
34. "Passion purpura" is the medical term for a hickey.
35. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
36. Odds of being killed by falling out of bed- 1 in 2 million.
37. The average person swallows three spiders annually.
38. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
39. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
40. The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota is the size of 78football fields --- 9.5 million square feet.

Top 19 Chinese-like proverbs

2007-05-21T20:50:00.000-03:00

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Top 9 Things God wont't ask on that judgment day...

2007-05-21T08:16:00.000-03:00

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it, and performed your job to the best of your ability.

5. God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

6. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

7. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.

8. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation; He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

9.God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to. He already knows whether you will or not.

10 Lies of Entrepreneurs

2007-05-19T09:51:00.000-03:00

“Our projections are conservative.” An entrepreneur's projections are never conservative. If they were, they would be $0. I have never seen an entrepreneur achieve even her most conservative projections. Generally, an entrepreneur has no idea what sales will be, so she guesses: “Too little will make my deal uninteresting; too big, and I'll look hallucinogenic.” The result is that everyone's projections are $50 million in year four. As a rule of thumb, when I see a projection, I add one year to delivery time and multiply by .1.
“(Big name research firm) says our market will be $50 billion in 2010.” Every entrepreneur has a few slides about how the market potential for his segment is tens of billions. It doesn't matter if the product is bar mitzah planning software or 802.11 chip sets. Venture capitalists don't believe this type of forecast because it's the fifth one of this magnitude that they've heard that day. Entrepreneurs would do themselves a favor by simply removing any reference to market size estimates from consulting firms.
“(Big name company) is going to sign our purchase order next week.” This is the “I heard I have to show traction at a conference” lie of entrepreneurs. The funny thing is that next week, the purchase order still isn't signed. Nor the week after. The decision maker gets laid off, the CEO gets fired, there's a natural disaster, whatever. The only way to play this card if AFTER the purchase order is signed because no investor whose money you'd want will fall for this one.
“Key employees are set to join us as soon as we get funded.” More often than not when a venture capitalist calls these key employees who are VPs are Microsoft, Oracle, and Sun, he gets the following response, “Who said that? I recall meeting him at a Churchill Club meeting, but I certainly didn't say I would leave my cush $250,000/year job at Adobe to join his startup.” If it's true that key employees are ready to rock and roll, have them call the venture capitalist after the meeting and testify to this effect.
“No one is doing what we're doing.” This is a bummer of a lie because there are only two logical conclusions. First, no one else is doing this because there is no market for it. Second, the entrepreneur is so clueless that he can't even use Google to figure out he has competition. Suffice it to say that the lack of a market and cluelessness is not conducive to securing an investment. As a rule of thumb, if you have a good idea, five companies are going the same thing. If you have a great idea, fifteen companies are doing the same thing.
“No one can do what we're doing.” If there's anything worse than the lack of a market and cluelessness, it's arrogance. No one else can do this until the first company does it, and ten others spring up in the next ninety days. Let's see, no one else ran a sub four-minute mile after Roger Bannister. (It took only a month before John Landy did). The world is a big place. There are lots of smart people in it. Entrepreneurs are kidding themselves if they think they have any kind of monopoly on knowledge. And, sure as I'm a Macintosh user, on the same day that an entrepreneur tells this lie, the venture capitalist will have met with another company that's doing the same thing.
“Hurry because several other venture capital firms are interested.” The good news: There are maybe one hundred entrepreneurs in the world who can make this claim. The bad news: The fact that you are reading a blog about venture capital means you're not one of them. As my mother used to say, “Never play Russian roulette with an Uzi.” For the absolute cream of the crop, there is competition for a deal, and an entrepreneur can scare other investors to make a decision. For the rest of us, don't think one can create a sense of scarcity when it's not true. Re-read the previous blog about the lies of venture capitalists, to learn how entrepreneurs are hearing “maybe” when venture capitalists are saying “no.”
“Oracle is too big/dumb/slow to be a threat.” Larry Ellison has his own jet. He can keep the San Jose Airport open for his late night landings. His boat is so big that it can barely get under the Golden Gate Bridge. Meanwhile, entrepreneurs are flying on Southwest out of Oakland and stealing the free peanuts. There's a reason why Larry is where he is, and entrepreneurs are where they are, and it's not that he's big, dumb, and slow. Competing with Oracle, Microsoft, and other large companies is a very difficult task. Entrepreneurs who utter this lie look at best naive. You think it's bravado, but venture capitalists think it's stupidity.
“We have a proven management team.” Says who? Because the founder worked at Morgan Stanley for a summer? Or McKinsey for two years? Or he made sure that John Sculley's Macintosh could power on? Truly “proven” in a venture capitalist's eyes is founder of a company that returned billions to its investors. But if the entrepreneur were that proven, that he (a) probably wouldn't have to ask for money; (b) wouldn't be claiming that he's proven. (Do you think Wayne Gretzky went around saying, “I am a good hockey player”?) A better strategy is for the entrepreneur to state that (a) she has relevant industry experience; (b) she is going to do whatever it takes to succeed; (c) she is going to surround herself with directors and advisors who are proven; and (d) she'll step aside whenever it becomes necessary. This is good enough for a venture capitalist that believes in what the entrepreneur is doing.
“Patents make our product defensible.” The optimal number of times to use the P word in a presentation is one. Just once, say, “We have filed patents for what we are doing.” Done. The second time you say it, venture capitalists begin to suspect that you are depending too much on patents for defensibility. The third time you say it, you are holding a sign above your head that says, “I am clueless.” Sure, you should patent what you're doing--if for no other reason than to say it once in your presentation. But at the end of the patents are mostly good for impressing your parents. You won't have the time or money to sue anyone with a pocket deep enough to be worth suing.

10 Things you might not know about the Dalai Lama

2007-05-17T02:00:00.000-03:00

1. "Dalai" is a Mongolian word for ocean, and "lama" is a Tibetan word for a monk of high rank. The Dalai Lama's wisdom is said to be as broad as an ocean.

2. The boy who would become known as the Dalai Lama (and as Kundun, meaning "The Presence") was born on the floor of a cowshed on his family's farm in the northeastern Tibetan village of Taktser in 1935. He was named Lhamo Dhondrub. His parents, who met for the first time at their wedding ceremony, had 16 children, but only seven survived past infancy.

3. The leadership of Tibetan Buddhism is transferred through reincarnation, adherents believe. When a dalai lama dies-- as the 13th one did in 1933 -- monks begin the search for a boy who is his new embodiment. According to various accounts, including the book "Kundun" by Mary Craig, the discovery of the 14th Dalai Lama occurred like this: Members of a Buddhist search party arrived in Taktser disguised as traders. The group's leader was dressed as a servant but was wearing a rosary that had belonged to the 13th Dalai Lama. Two-year-old Lhamo Dhondrub asked for the rosary and was told he could have it if he guessed who he was talking to. The boy said correctly that the man dressed as a servant was a "Sera aga," a lama from the Sera monastery. The boy also impressed the visitors by knowing other details about them, and he later identified more possessions of the 13th lama.

4. In the film "Caddyshack," the golf course groundskeeper played by Bill Murray describes how he caddied for the Dalai Lama. An excerpt: "I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama-- long, into a 10,000-foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. ... So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice." The film's director, Harold Ramis, and his wife, Erica Mann Ramis, are executive producers of the cultural programming that will accompany the Dalai Lama's public talk Sunday.

5. The great monk has plenty of celebrity admirers, including Richard Gere, Steven Seagal and Carmen Electra. Model-actress Elle Macpherson said last year that she was considering a lawsuit against model Heidi Klum for allegedly appropriating her nickname, "The Body," but after meeting with the Dalai Lama, she dropped any plans to sue. "A few people have made me stop in my tracks, and the Dalai Lama would be one of them," Macpherson said.

6. The Dalai Lama is fascinated by science and has said that if he had not become a monk, he would have become an engineer. He is especially interested in neuroplasticity, the study of how the brain rewires itself. The Dalai Lama spoke to the Society for Neuroscience in 2005 despite some members' objections about mixing religion and science. The Dalai Lama declared that "if a surgery of the brain could provide the same benefits as hours of meditation daily, I would do it," according to the Agence France-Presse news service.

7. Rock star Patti Smith was keenly interested in the Dalai Lama when she was 12. She studied Tibet for a yearlong school project, and she prayed that it would become newsworthy. When China's oppression became so severe that the Dalai Lama fled in 1959, "I felt tremendously guilty," she told the Shambhala Sun, a Buddhist magazine. "I felt that somehow my prayers had interfered with Tibetan history. I worried about the Dalai Lama. It was rumored that his family had been killed by the Chinese. I was quite relieved when he reached India safely." (The Dalai Lama has been based in Dharamsala, India, since then.)

8. He served as a guest editor for an issue of French Vogue magazine in 1992.

9. Tibetans often change their names after major events, such as recovery from illness or the visit of a great lama. When the boy named Lhamo Dhondrub was recognized as the reincarnated leader of his people, he was renamed Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso (meaning Holy Lord, Gentle Glory, Compassionate, Defender of the Faith, Ocean of Wisdom). His people sometimes call him Yeshe Norbu (the Wish-fulfilling Gem).

10. What will happen when the 71-year-old Dalai Lama dies? He has left open the possibility that the tradition of the dalai lama will end. But more likely, he says, there will be rival dalai lamas-- one found among the Tibetan exile community, and another appointed by the Chinese.

Source: Chicago Tribune

Top 10 Things to See in China

2007-05-15T23:29:00.000-03:00

1) The Forbidden City
The Forbidden City, or Palace Museum, sits at the center of Beijing, directly north of Tiananmen Square where the famous portrait of Mao Zedong hangs on the palatial crimson wall. It was the imperial seat for Ming and Qing dynasty emperors from 1420 until 1912 when the last emperor, Pu Yi, abdicated. It was listed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1987.

2) The Great Wall
The Great Wall winds its way across China covering over 4,000 miles (6,700km). While the latest construction occurred after 1368 during the Ming Dynasty, construction of the Great Wall began over 2,000 years ago. In fact, the Great Wall is actually made up of a number of interconnecting walls spanning China that different dynasties and warlords constructed over the years.

3) The Terracotta Warriors
Discovered in 1974 when a local farmer was digging a well, the terracotta army, buried in 210 BC with the first emporer of the Qin dynasty, is a breathtaking site. The thousands of life-size figures have individually unique faces and hair and armor styles appropriate to their rank. The museum of the Terracotta Army is located in Xi'An, Shanxi province.

4) Karst Mountains in Yangshuo
Illustrating the 20 Renminbi (Chinese currency) note, the karst mountains are famously beautiful in China. Located in the south of China in Guangxi province, they can best be viewed from Yangshuo, a small town outside Guilin, a major city in Guangxi Province.

5) The Yangtze River and the Three Gorges Dam
Best seen by tour boat down the Yangtze River, the Three Gorges Dam is a modern construction marvel. The dam is the world's largest as well as the world's biggest hydroelectric power station. The river itself is the world's third longest and the Three Gorges are the natural highlight of the boat cruise.

6) Jiuzhaigou
Jiuzhaigou Valley is a nature reserve located in China's Sichuan province. A beautiful example of China's varied landscape, Jiuzhaigou is famous for crystal blue lakes and multi-level waterfalls. It is populated by a number of Tibetan villages so is also a superb place to see and experience Tibetan local culture.

7) Potala Palace, Lhasa
Now a Chinese museum, the Potala Palace was traditionally the seat of the Dalai Lama, Tibetan Buddhists' spiritual leader. Famous for its imposing white walls surrounding the inner red palace, the building sits at 3,700 meters or over 12,000 feet. The Potala Palace is located in Lhasa, the capital of the Tibetan Autonomous Region.

8) The Bund, Shanghai
The Bund, meaning embankment, was historically the seat of Shanghai's most powerful businessmen in the late 1800s and early 1900s. The Bund is a fabulous place to see examples of Shanghai's rich architectural history, illustrated by the HSBC Building, built in 1923 and at the time said to be "the most luxurious building between the Suez Canal and the Bering Strait." (Quote source: Wikipedia)

9) Giant Pandas
3 hours outside Chengdu, the capital of Sichuan province, is the Wolong Nature Preserve, the largest panda reserve in China. The center tries to ensure the Giant Panda species can continue to exist. Tourists can observe pandas in their natural habitat and can also help researchers feed and play with these beautiful and threatened animals.

10) Modernity in Hong Kong
See modern China - and Asia - at the cutting edge with a visit to Hong Kong. Walking down the Kowloon side promenade gives the traveler a view of some of the most beautiful modern architecture in China, dominated by the Bank of China Tower designed by I.M. Pei.

Source:About.com

Top 5 best things to say if you get caught sleeping in your desk

2007-05-14T22:56:00.000-03:00

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen.

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

Privacy Policy

2007-05-12T09:04:00.000-03:00

We respect your privacy and we are committed to safeguarding your privacy while online at our site kingoflists.blogspot.com. The following discloses the information gathering and dissemination practices for this Web site.

Log Files

Like most standard Web site servers we use log files. This includes Internet protocol (IP) addresses, browser type, Internet service provider (ISP), referring/exit pages, platform type, date/time stamp, and number of clicks to analyze trends, administer the site, track user’s movement in the aggregate, and gather broad demographic information for aggregate use. IP addresses, etc. are not linked to personally identifiable information.

Newsletter

If a user wishes to subscribe to our newsletter (powered by Feedburner), we ask for contact information such as name and email address. Out of respect for our users privacy we provide a way to opt-out of these communications.

Cookies

A cookie is a piece of data stored on the user’s computer tied to information about the user. Our site doesn’t use cookies. However, Some of our business partners use cookies on our site (for example, advertisers). However, we have no access to or control over these cookies, once we have given permission for them to set cookies for advertising. If you wish to disable cookies, you may do so through your individual browser options.

Links

This Web site contains links to other sites. Please be aware that we are not responsible for the privacy practices of such other sites. We encourage our users to be aware when they leave our site and to read the privacy statements of each and every Web site that collects personally identifiable information. This privacy statement applies solely to information collected by this Web site.

Advertisers

We use outside ad companies to display ads on our site. These ads may contain cookies and/or web beacons to collect data in the ad serving process and are collected by our ad companies, and we do not have access to this information. We work with the following ad companies: Google Adsense. Please check their websites for respective privacy policies.

Contact Information

If users have any questions or suggestions regarding our privacy policy, please contact us at: leokesler * yahoo.com.br

Top 7 Tips for Inner Peace

2007-05-12T02:00:00.000-03:00

1. Value peace more than anything else. What we give our attention to will generate a certain force. If we feel inner peace is the most important thing then we will make it become a reality. If we want inner peace we will not allow anger and frustration to rob us of our equanimity.

2. Smiling. When we smile at our problems they lose a lot of their power. Smiling makes us feel happier. When we are unhappy inner peace will always remain a distant cry. Inner peace is synonymous with happiness

3. Don’t expect from others. If we are dependent on others behaving in a certain way we will never have inner peace. Our inner peace should come from within. Inner peace doesn’t have to wait for outer circumstances to become favourable.

4. Meditate. The source of our worries and anxieties comes from our mind. When we meditate we don’t allow ourselves to be bombarded by useless thoughts. In meditation we learn to silence the mind and enter into a consciousness of inner silence. It is in this inner mental silence that we can experience real inner peace.

5. Humour. If we take life and ourselves too seriously we will never be at peace. The world has teeming imperfections, but if we can learn to look at the humorous side of situations then we will not feel an overwhelming sense of gloom.

6. Give to others. If we live only to please our own self and ego we will never have inner peace. When we give importance to our ego we worry about what other people may think and say. When we serve others we not giving importance to our ego, we are becoming aware of our extended reality. When we expand our consciousness we are not affected by the concerns of the ego.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

- Mother Teresa

7. Don’t allow negative emotions to take hold. If others act or say things, which are unkind, we do not need to pay them any attention. When we learn to have a forgiving attitude we will have peace. If we are constantly judgemental of the actions and opinions of others we won’t be able to experience inner peace. Inner peace comes not through criticising the world but focusing on the loving heart.

“To come back to the secret of inner peace, our questioning and doubting mind is always wanting in peace. Our loving and dedicated heart is always flooded with inner peace.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Source: Life Dynamix

Top 10 health tips

2007-05-11T12:07:00.000-03:00

1. Shake your Body!

Every day find new ways to move your body. Use the stairs rather than an escalator or elevator. Walk your dog (or a neighbours' dog if you don't have one!) , chase your kids, play ball with friends, mow the lawn. Anything that moves your limbs is not only a fitness tool, it's a stress buster. Think 'move' in small increments of time. It doesn't have to be an hour in the gym or a 45-minute cardiovascular class or body pump or kickboxing. Move more and feel better!

2. Cut the Fat

Don't eat the obvious fat in your diet such as fried foods, burgers and other fatty meats. Eat dairy products like cheese, cottage cheese, milk and cream low fat versions. Nuts and sandwich meats, mayonnaise, margarine, butter and sauces should be eaten in limited amounts and even then in their low fat verions. Most are available in lower fat versions.

3. Reduce Stress

Stress busters come in many forms. Some techniques recommended by experts are to think positive thoughts. Spend 30 minutes a day doing something you like. (i.e., go back to number one above!, exercise is a great stress reducer, Soak in a hot tub; walk on the beach or in a park; read a good book; visit a friend; play with your dog; listen to soothing music; watch a funny movie. Get a massage, a facial or a haircut. Meditate. Count to ten before losing your temper or getting aggravated. Avoid difficult people when possible.

4. Stop Smoking

All the experts agree on this one. Ever since 1960 when it was announced that smoking was harmful to your health, people have been reducing their use of tobacco products. Just recently, we've seen a surge in smoking in adolescents and teens. Warn your children of the false romance or 'tough guy' image of smokers. Find ways to quit smoking hypnosis, support groups and even prescription medicine such as Zyban is available to help you..

5. Reduce your exposure to Pollution

Not everyone can live in a smog-free environment, but we can all avoid smoke-filled rooms, high traffic areas, breathing in highway fumes and exercising near busy thoroughfares. Exercise outside when the smog rating is low. Exercise indoors in air conditioning where air quality is good. Plant lots of shrubbery in your yard. It's a good pollution deterrent. If you ride a bicycle in traffic, where a small pollution mask over your mouth and nose.

6. Clunk Click every Trip

Statistics show that the wearing of seat belts add to longevity and help alleviate potential injuries in car crashes.

7. Don't Drink too Much Alcohol

Whilst it is true that a glass of wine or one drink a day (two for men) can help protect against heart disease, more alcohol than that, or binge drinking on a night out, can cause other serious health problems such as liver and kidney disease and cancer.

8. Floss Your Teeth

Harvard Medical School studied longevity and found one of the most important contributing factors was daily flossing! Flossing and brushing your teeth daily can make your RealAge as much as 6.4 years younger. These studies make a direct connection between longevity and teeth flossing. Nobody knows exactly why. Perhaps it's because people who floss tend to be more health conscious than people who don't?

9. Maintain a Positive Mental Outlook

There's a definitive connection between living well and healthily and having a cheerful outlook on life. Yes, keep on smiling and laughing!

10. Pick Your Parents Well !

The link between genetics and health is a powerful one. You can't pick your parents, but just because one or both of your parents died young in ill health doesn't mean you can't counteract the genetic pool handed you. So follow the first 9 tips above

Source: Be Young

Top 10 Secrets of the Marketing Process

2007-05-10T08:41:00.000-03:00

1. Don’t run out of money. It always takes longer and costs more than you expect to spread your idea. You can budget for it or you can fail.

2. You won’t get it right the first time. Your campaign will need to be reinvented, adjusted or scrapped. Count on it.

3. Convenient choices are not often the best choices. Just because an agency, an asset or a bizdev deal are easy to do doesn’t mean that they are your best choice.

4. Irrational, strongly held beliefs of close advisors should be ignored. It doesn’t matter if they don’t like your logo.

5. If it makes you nervous, it’s probably a good idea. If you’re sure you’re right, you probably aren’t.

6. Focusing obsessively on one niche, one feature and one market is almost always a better idea than trying to satisfy everyone.

7. At some point, you’re either going to have to stick to your convictions or do what the market tells you. It’s hard to do both.

8. Compromise in marketing is almost always a bad idea. Extreme A could work. Extreme B could work. The average of A and B will almost never work.

9. Test, measure and optimize. Figure out what's working and do it more.

10. Read and learn. There are a million clues, case studies, books and proven tactics out there. You can't profitably ignore them until you know them, and you don't have the time or the money to make the same mistake someone else made last week. It's cheaper and faster to read about it than it is to do it.

Source: Seth's Blog

Top 10 Ways to Get Lost!

2007-05-08T20:37:00.000-03:00

1. Let a man drive.
2. Let the batteries die in your GPS tracker.
3. Ask your pet monkey to read the directions and follow the map.
4. Spill coffee on your map.
5. Forget what country you're in.
6. Forget what state you're in.
7. Follow the stars -- if it's daytime.
8. Wear your sunglasses at night.
9. Lose your directions.
10. Follow your instincts.

Source: DaveSite.com

22 Ways To Overclock Your Brain

2007-05-08T08:20:00.000-03:00

1. Run Up Your Brain Cells

Research suggests that people who get plenty of physical exercise can wind up with better brains. Scientists at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla, Calif., found that adult mice who ran on an exercise wheel whenever they felt like it gained twice as many new cells in the hippocampus, an area of the brain involved in learning and memory, than mice who sat around all day discussing Lord of the Rings in Internet chat rooms. The researchers weren’t sure why the more active rodents’ brains reacted the way they did, but it’s possible that the voluntary nature of the exercise made it less stressful and therefore more beneficial. Which could mean that finding ways to enjoy exercise, rather than just forcing yourself to do it, may make you smarter - and happier, too.

So, play a sport, train for an event such as a marathon, triathlon or “fun run,” or work out with a buddy to help keep things interesting.

2. Exercise Your Mind

It isn’t just physical exercise that gets those brain cells jumping. Just like those head-pumped cabbies and piano jockeys, you can build up various areas of your brain by putting them to work. Duke University neurobiology professor Lawrence C. Katz, Ph.D., co-author of Keep Your Brain Alive, says that finding simple ways to use aspects of your brain that may be lagging could help maintain both nerve cells and dendrites, branches on the cells that receive and process information. Just as a new weightlifting exercise builds up underused muscles, Katz says that novel ways of thinking and viewing the world can improve the functioning of inactive sections of the brain.

Experience new tastes and smells; try to do things with your nondominant hand; find new ways to drive to work; travel to new places; create art; read that Dostoyevsky novel; write a buddy comedy for Ted Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh - basically, do anything you can to force yourself out of your mental ruts.

3. Ask Why

Our brains are wired to be curious. As we grow up and “mature” many of us stifle or deny our natural curiosity. Let yourself be curious! Wonder to yourself about why things are happening. Ask someone in the know. The best way to exercise our curiosity is by asking “Why?” Make it a new habit to ask “why?” at least 10 times a day. Your brain will be happier and you will be amazed at how many opportunities and solutions will show up in your life and work.

4. Laugh

Scientists tell us that laughter is good for our health; that it releases endorphins and other positively powerful chemicals into our system. We don’t really need scientists to tell us that it feels good to laugh. Laughing helps us reduce stress and break old patterns too. So laughter can be like a “quick-charge” for our brain’s batteries. Laugh more, and laugh harder.

5. Be A Fish Head

Omega-3 oils, found in walnuts, flaxseed and especially fish, have long been touted as being healthy for the heart. But recent research suggests they’re a brain booster as well, and not just because they help the circulation system that pumps oxygen to your head. They also seem to improve the function of the membranes that surround brain cells, which may be why people who consume a lot of fish are less likely to suffer depression, dementia, even attention-deficit disorder. Scientists have noted that essential fatty acids are necessary for proper brain development in children, and they’re now being added to baby formulas. It’s possible that your own mental state, and even your intelligence, can be enhanced by consuming enough of these oils.

Eating at least three servings a week of fish such as salmon, sardines, mackerel and tuna is a good start.

6. Remember

Get out an old photo album or high school yearbook. Your brain is a memory machine, so give it a chance to work! Spend time with your memories. Let your mind reflect on them and your mind will repay you in positive emotions and new connections from the memories to help you with your current tasks and challenges.

7. Cut The Fat

Can “bad” fats make you dumb? When researchers at the University of Toronto put rats on a 40-percent-fat diet, the rats lost ground in several areas of mental function, including memory, spatial awareness and rule learning. The problems became worse with a diet high in saturated fats, the kind that’s abundant in meat and dairy products. While you may never be called upon to navigate a little maze in search of a cheddar cube, these results could hold true for you as well, for two reasons: Fat can reduce the flow of oxygen-rich blood to your brain, and it may also slow down the metabolism of glucose, the form of sugar the brain utilizes as food.

You can still get up to 30 percent of your daily calories in the form of fat, but most of it should come from the aforementioned fish, olive oil, nuts and seeds. Whatever you do, stay away from trans fats, the hardened oils that are abundant in crackers and snack foods.

8. Do A Puzzle

Some of us like jigsaw puzzles, some crossword puzzles, some logic puzzles - it really doesn’t matter kind you choose to do. Doing puzzles in your free time is a great way to activate your brain and keep it in good working condition. Do the puzzle for fun, but do it knowing you are exercising your brain.

9. The Mozart Effect

A decade ago Frances Rauscher, a psychologist now at the University of Wisconsin at Oshkosh, and her colleagues made waves with the discovery that listening to Mozart improved people’s mathematical and spatial reasoning. Even rats ran mazes faster and more accurately after hearing Mozart than after white noise or music by the minimalist composer Philip Glass. Last year, Rauscher reported that, for rats at least, a Mozart piano sonata seems to stimulate activity in three genes involved in nerve-cell signalling in the brain.

This sounds like the most harmonious way to tune up your mental faculties. But before you grab the CDs, hear this note of caution. Not everyone who has looked for the Mozart effect has found it. What’s more, even its proponents tend to think that music boosts brain power simply because it makes listeners feel better - relaxed and stimulated at the same time - and that a comparable stimulus might do just as well. In fact, one study found that listening to a story gave a similar performance boost.

10. Improve Your Skill At Things You Already Do

Some repetitive mental stimulation is ok as long as you look to expand your skills and knowledge base. Common activities such as gardening, sewing, playing bridge, reading, painting, and doing crossword puzzles have value, but push yourself to do different gardening techniques, more complex sewing patterns, play bridge against more talented players to increase your skill, read new authors on varied subjects, learn a new painting technique, and work harder crossword puzzles. Pushing your brain to new heights help to keep it healthy.

11. Be A Thinker, Not A Drinker

The idea that alcohol kills brain cells is an old one, but the reality is a bit more complicated. In fact, a study of 3,500 Japanese men found that those who drank moderately (in this case, about one drink per day) had better cognitive functioning when they got older than those who didn’t drink at all. Unfortunately, as soon as you get beyond that “moderate” amount, your memory, reaction time is all likely to decline. In the same study, men who had four or more drinks a day fared worst of all.

Just as bad is the now common practice of “binge drinking,” otherwise known as getting hammered on the weekend. Research on rats found that those who consumed large amounts of alcohol had fewer new cells in their brains’ hippocampus region immediately after the binge, and virtually none a month later. This suggests that the alcohol not only damaged the rats’ brains, but kept them from repairing themselves later on - in human terms, that means you shouldn’t expect to pass the Mensa entrance exam any time soon.

12. Play

Take time to play. Make time to play. Play cards. Play video games. Play board games. Play Ring Around the Rosie. Play tug of war. It doesn’t matter what you play. Just play! It is good for your spirit and good for your brain. It gives your brain a chance to think strategically, and keeps it working.

13. Sleep On It

Previewing key information and then sleeping on it increases retention 20 to 30 percent. You can leave that information next to the bed for easy access, if it is something that won’t keep you awake. If you are kept awake by your thoughts, writing everything down sometimes gets it “out of your mind,” allowing you to sleep (so keep a pen and paper nearby).

14. Concentration

Concentration can increase brainpower. Obvious, perhaps, but the thieves of concentration are not always so obvious. Learn to notice when you are distracted. Often the cause is just below consciousness. If there is a phone call you need to make, for example, it might bother you all morning, sapping your ability to think clearly, even while you are unaware of what is bothering you.

Get in the habit of stopping to ask “What is on my mind right now”. Identify it and deal with it. In the example given, you could make the phone call, or put it on tomorrow’s list, so your mind is comfortable letting it go for now. This leaves you in a more relaxed state where you can think more clearly. Use this technique to increase your brainpower now.

15. Make Love For Your Brain

In a series of studies by Winnifred B. Cutler, PhD and colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania and later at Stanford University it was found that regular sexual contact had an important impact on physical and emotional well being of women. Sexual contact with a partner at least once a week led to more fertile, regular menstrual cycles, shorter menses, delayed menopause, increased estrogen levels, and delayed aging. Brain imaging studies at UCLA have shown that decreased estrogen levels are associated with overall decreased brain activity and poor memory. Enhancing estrogen levels for women through regular sexual activity enhances overall brain activity and improves memory.

In Dr. Cutler’s study the occurrence of orgasm was not as important as the fact that sex was with another person. Intimacy and emotional bonding may be the most influential factors in the positive aspects of sex. As a psychiatrist I have seen many people withhold sex as a way to show hurt, anger, or disappointment. Dr. Cutler’s research suggests that this is self-defeating behavior. The more you withhold the worse it may be for you. Appropriate sex is one of the keys to the brain’s fountain of youth.

16. Play With Passion!

You can’t do great work without personal fulfillment. When people are growing through learning and creativity, they are much more fulfilled and give 127% more to their work. Delight yourself and you delight the world. Remember what you loved to do as a child and bring the essence of that activity into your work. This is a clue to your genius; to your natural gifts and talents. da Vinci, Edison, Einstein and Picasso all loved to play and they loved to explore.

17. Cycles Of Consciousness

Your consciousness waxes and wanes throughout the day . For most it seems to go through 90 minute cycles, with 30 minutes of lower consciousness. Watch yourself to recognize this cycle. If you learn to recognize and track your mental state, you can concentrate on important mental tasks when your mind is most “awake”. For creative insight into a problem, do the opposite. Work on it when you are in a drowsy state, when your conscious mind has slowed down.

18. Learn Something New

This one might seem obvious. Yes, we capitalize on our brain’s great potential when we put it to work learning new things. You may have a specific topic for work or leisure that you want to learn more about. That’s great.

Go learn it. If you don’t have a subject in mind right now, try learning a new word each day. There is a strong correlation between working vocabulary and intelligence. When we have new words in our vocabulary, our minds can think in new ways with greater nuances between ideas. Put your mind to work learning. It is one of the best ways to re-energize your brain.

19. Write To Be Read

There is certainly great value in writing for yourself. I continue to find that my brain is greatly stimulated by writing to be read. The greatest benefit of writing is what it does to expand your brain’s capacity. Find ways to write to be read – by writing things for your friends to read, by capturing the stories of your childhood, starting your own blog or whatever – just write to be read.

20. Try Aroma Therapy To Activate Your Brain

One day, as I was falling asleep, while listening to endless speeches at a conference, my brain suddenly perked up when I caught a whiff of lemon from someone’s cologne. I immediately felt alert and found it much easier to pay attention to the presenter. I discovered aroma therapy really is useful and I have used it ever since revitalize or to relax.

Energizers include peppermint, cypress and lemon. Relaxants: ylang ylang, geranium and rose. A few drops of essential oils in your bath or in a diffuser will do the trick. You can also put a drop or two in a cotton ball or hanky and inhale. One caveat for the workplace; make sure no-one is allergic to the oils before you use them.

21. Drugs To Increase Brainpower

Coffee and other drinks containing caffeine help students consistently score higher on tests. Since caffeine restricts blood vessels in the brain, it isn’t clear what the longer-term effects may be when it comes to your brainpower. So instead of coffee breaks try gingko biloba and gotu kola herbal teas. Ginkgo biloba has been shown to increase blood flow to the brain, and improve concentration.

22. Build A Brain Trust

Surround yourself with inspiring people from a wide variety of fields who encourage you and stimulate your creativity. Read magazines from a wide variety of fields. Make connections between people, places and things, to discover new opportunities, and to find solutions to your problems.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

2007-05-07T05:47:00.000-03:00

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Source: Independent Sources

Top 15 Things Not to Say to a Naked Borg

2007-05-06T01:28:00.000-03:00

1. This explains the size of your ship.
2. Ah. That's what the Queen was giggling about.
3. Does the Collective keep any booze around?
4. I see the Borg are not impervious to the cold.
5. Hmmm. Why don't you put that last part back on?
6. Shouldn't you be called "worker" instead of "drone"?
7. Would another couple days in the maturation chamber have killed you?
8. Oh! It must be retractable.
9. Is that an implant, or are you just glad to see me?
10. I though you were "fully functional.
11. Sorry, I don't assimilate on a first date.
12. Let me get my electron microscope.

Source: About.com

52 Proven Stress Reducers

2007-05-05T01:44:00.000-03:00

Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful.
Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table, make lunches, put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc.
Don't rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc.
Do nothing which, after being done, leads you to tell a lie.
Make duplicates of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden and carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring.
Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home, and relationships will be less likely to break down/fall apart "at the worst possible moment."
Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.
Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.
Plan ahead. Don't let the gas tank get below one-quarter full; keep a well-stocked "emergency shelf" of home staples; don't wait until you're down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more; etc.
Don't put up with something that doesn't work right. If your alarm clock, wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers - whatever- are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones.
Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.
Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.
Always set up contingency plans, "just in case." ("If for some reason either of us is delayed, here's what we'll do. . ." kind of thing. Or, "If we get split up in the shopping center, here's where we'll meet.")
Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn't get mowed this weekend.
Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count 'em!
Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back directions, what someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old "the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get," idea.)
Say "No!" Saying "no" to extra projects, social activities, and invitations you know you don't have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect, and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and be alone.
Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.) Or use an answering machine.
Turn "needs" into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don't get attached to preferences.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. . .
Make friends with non-worriers. Nothing can get you into the habit of worrying faster than associating with chronic worrywarts.
Get up and stretch periodically if your job requires that you sit for extended periods.
Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs.
Get enough sleep. If necessary, use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed.
Create order out of chaos. Organize your home and workspace so that you always know exactly where things are. Put things away where they belong and you won't have to go through the stress of losing things.
When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete, and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day, and before, during, and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths.
Writing your thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or on paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective
Try the following yoga technique whenever you feel the need to relax. Inhale deeply through your nose to the count of eight. Then, with lips puckered, exhale very slowly through your mouth to the count of 16, or for as long as you can. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times.
Inoculate yourself against a feared event. Example: before speaking in public, take time to go over every part of the experience in your mind. Imagine what you'll wear, what the audience will look like, how you will present your talk, what the questions will be and how you will answer them, etc. Visualize the experience the way you would have it be. You'll likely find that when the time comes to make the actual presentation, it will be "old hat" and much of your anxiety will have fled.
When the stress of having to get a job done gets in the way of getting the job done, diversion - a voluntary change in activity and/or environment - may be just what you need.
Talk it out. Discussing your problems with a trusted friend can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on problem solving.
One of the most obvious ways to avoid unnecessary stress is to select an environment (work, home, leisure) which is in line with your personal needs and desires. If you hate desk jobs, don't accept a job which requires that you sit at a desk all day. If you hate to talk politics, don't associate with people who love to talk politics, etc.
Learn to live one day at a time.
Every day, do something you really enjoy.
Add an ounce of love to everything you do.
Take a hot bath or shower (or a cool one in summertime) to relieve tension.
Do something for somebody else.
Focus on understanding rather than on being understood; on loving rather than on being loved.
Do something that will improve your appearance. Looking better can help you feel better.
Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments; allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.
Become more flexible. Some things are worth not doing perfectly and some issues are fine to compromise upon.
Eliminate destructive self-talk: "I'm too old to. . .," "I'm too fat to. . .," etc.
Use your weekend time for a change of pace. If your work week is slow and patterned, make sure there is action and time for spontaneity built into your weekends. If your work week is fast-paced and full of people and deadlines, seek peace and solitude during your days off. Feel as if you aren't accomplishing anything at work? Tackle a job on the weekend which you can finish to your satisfaction.
"Worry about the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves." That's another way of saying: take care of the todays as best you can and the yesterdays and the tomorrows will take care of themselves.
Do one thing at a time. When you are with someone, be with that person and with no one or nothing else. When you are busy with a project, concentrate on doing that project and forget about everything else you have to do.
Allow yourself time - everyday - for privacy, quiet, and introspection.
If an especially unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with, then the rest of your day will be free of anxiety.
Learn to delegate responsibility to capable others.
Don't forget to take a lunch break. Try to get away from your desk or work area in body and mind, even if it's just for 15 or 20 minutes.
Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing something or saying anything that could make matters worse.
Have a forgiving view of events and people. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world.
Have an optimistic view of the world. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

7 Helpful Tips To Immediately Increase Your Confidence !

2007-05-03T09:22:00.000-03:00

1.) Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Too often, we place excess importance on potential problems. We all have a certain amount of energy so let’s apply it to creating extraordinary relationships, advancing our careers and meeting our goals INSTEAD of wasting that energy worrying. Take action on what you have control over and minimize risks for what you don’t. Then invest your energy wisely.

2.) In doing something for the first time, imagine that you have already done it in the past. Close your eyes, then vividly imagine you succeeding wildly at what you are really going to do for the first time. The mind does NOT know the difference between something VIVIDLY imagined and something real. Make it vivid by involving all 5 senses.

3.) Find someone who is already confident in that area and copy them. Model as many of their behaviors, attitudes, values, and beliefs for the context you want to be confident in as you can. How can you do this? Talk with them if you have access to them. If you don’t have access to them, get as much exposure to them as you can. This could be talking to people who know the person and/or buying their products if they have some.

4.) Use the “as-if” frame. I literally love this frame of mind. If you were confident, how would you be acting? How would you be moving? How would you be speaking? What would you be thinking? What would you tell yourself inside? By asking yourself these questions, you are literally forced to answer them by going into a confident state. You will then be acting “as-if” you are confident. Now just forget you are acting long enough and pretty soon you’ll develop it into a habit.

5.) Go into the future and ask if what you’re faced with is such a big deal. This might be a bit morbid and yet this works tremendously well. Imagine yourself on your deathbed looking back over your life. You are surrounded by your friends and family. You’re reviewing your life. Is what you’re faced with now even going to pop up? That’s highly unlikely. Keeping things in proper perspective really diminishes fear.

6.) Remember that you lose out on 100% of the opportunities that you never go for. To get what you want, ask for it. I fully believe that if I ask enough people for whatever I want, I can get it. This is not necessarily true and yet it’s a useful belief. As you think about your goals and what you are striving for, how effective would it be for you to believe that all the people out there want to help you if you only ask? Whether that is true or not in the “real world” does not matter. If you find that belief empowering, I invite you to adopt it as your own.

7.) Disarm the nagging, negative internal voice. That negative internal voice can keep anyone stopped. To disarm the internal voice, imagine a volume control and lower the volume. Or how about changing the internal voice to Mickey Mouse? Do you think you could take Mickey Mouse seriously if he were criticizing you? Change the voice to a clown voice. The point is to disarm the voice by altering the way it nags at you. If I hear my own voice nagging me, it stops me. If I hear a clown voice, I laugh and continue onward.

Strange Things You Likely Didn't Know - 04

2007-05-03T04:10:00.000-03:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Top 24 Urinal Etiquette Tips

2007-05-02T11:36:00.000-03:00

1. "Mellow Yellow" not to be hummed, whistled or sung at any time.
2. Talking is forbidden. Talking to "it" guarantees nobody stands next to you.
3. Position 4 feet from urinal is official competition distance.
4. Position 4 millimetres from urinal broadens collateral damage zone.
5. Shaking it and yelling "Co-operate, damn you!" means demotion to stalls.
6. Waving your Wii is inappropriate at any time.
7. Uttering the words "Uh, do you come here often?" incites justifiable violence.
8. If it came in on a leash, it goes out on a leash.
9. Not considered cool to BYO urinal cakes.
10. Please don't leave cigarette butts. It makes them soggy and hard to light
11. Wash your hands *BEFORE* you go. To hell with everyboby else.
12. 4) Do not state what beverage brought you to the urinal.
13. As tasty as they sound, do NOT eat the urinal cakes
14. Don't eat the mints
15. Don't flip out your large intestine and start talking to it.
16. Don't look, don't touch
17. If you must talk, do not turn
18. no crowding
19. Not only do you not use the urinal next to a guy, never use the same one
20. Position so that splashback doesn't hit neighbor.
21. Splash zone
22. Stop dancing, this is not the Bellagio.
23. Talking is forbidden unless drunk
24. Never, under any circumstances, make eye contact with Eddie Murphy.

Strange Things You Likely Didn't Know - 03

2007-05-02T09:51:00.000-03:00

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

From cells to bells, 10 things the Chinese do far better than we do

2007-05-02T08:02:00.000-03:00

1. Cellphones

By any standard you can think of -- coverage, price, ubiquity -- China's cellphone practices beat ours. You can use them in elevators, subways and parking garages. They work in Tibet, at the Great Wall, in remotest rural China, which is more than you can say for Ontario cottage country. Patients, doctors, nurses and visitors use them in hospitals, too, with no apparent ill effects.

It's a cheap, pay-as-you-go system, with no stupid monthly contracts or credit checks. The phones are so cheap -- even sidewalk cabbage vendors have them -- that China is now the biggest cellphone market in the world. With 300 million in use, each one telling time, wristwatch sales have plummeted.

"We're a nation of thumbs," a young Shanghai woman told me, meaning that Chinese use cellphones like BlackBerries, text-messaging friends 24/7, at 1.6 cents a pop. The Chinese never got used to voicemail or answering machines; installing home phones was equivalent to two years pay in the 1980s, so the country leapfrogged over landline technology right into cellular.

Chinese author Qian Fuchang even plans to transmit a novel -- about an extramarital affair -- via text-messaging, one 70-word chapter at a time.

2. Informative stop lights

In Tianjin, a city of 13 million people, traffic lights display red or green signals in a rectangle that rhythmically shrinks down as the time remaining evaporates. In Beijing, some traffic lights offer a countdown clock for both green and red signals.

During a red light, you know whether you have time to check that map; on a green light, you know whether to start braking a block away -- or to stomp on the accelerator, as though you were a Toronto or Montreal driver. (That's probably why Montreal has a few lights with countdown seconds for pedestrians.)

3. Transit debit cards

Wouldn't it be great to have a single debit card for buses, subways -- and taxis? That's how it works in Shanghai. Passengers don't have to fumble for exact change on buses and subways, or line up to buy tokens or tickets. Taxi drivers don't have to make change, or get ripped off by counterfeit bills, a real plague in China. And they aren't loaded down with cash, which would make them tempting targets for robbery.

(In another transit plus, forget those illegible handwritten taxi receipts we get in Canada. China's taxis automatically print out receipts with date, mileage, taxi medallion number, even the start and end times of the ride. That certainly would help you recover the Stradivarius you inadvertently left in the back seat.)

4. Adult playgrounds

Hate paying those gym club bills? Loathe huffing and puffing around buff bodies in spandex? Beijing provides free outdoor exercise equipment in neighbourhoods throughout the city: walking machines, ab flexers, weight machines and rowing machines in bright reds, blues, yellows and greens.

Adult playgrounds get everyone out in the fresh air, especially seniors who might stay shut in at home. Teens like to hang out there, too. And it sends a not-so-subtle propaganda message about the benefits of healthy living.

5. Anti-theft slipcovers

What do you do with a purse in a restaurant? It can slide off your lap, and looping the handle over the back of your chair is an invitation to a thief. In China, when you sling your purse or laptop or coat over your chair back, a waiter hurries to toss a tasteful slipcover over it. It foils thieves, and also protects coats from food spills. Some restaurants provide hooks under the table for purses.

6. Daily banking

We feel so lucky when a bank branch in Canada opens for a few hours on Saturday mornings. (Notice the long, long lines?) But Chinese banks are now open 9 to 5, seven days a week. Even on New Year's Day and other national holidays, at least some branches will open for business. The ones that are closed post helpful notices directing you to the closest open branch. And, yes, they do have a full network of ATMs.

7. Wireless service bells

Trying to flag down your waiter for a glass of water? Just press a made-in-China gizmo at your table. Your table number lights up on a panel inside the kitchen and your server is soon hovering by your side. The bell also eliminates that annoying waiterly interruption: "Is everything all right?"

The same gizmo in spas alerts masseuses when you're demurely under the sheet and ready for their attention.

8. Parking data

A celebrity I once lunched with was an hour late because he couldn't find an empty parking spot in downtown Toronto. He had driven to a dozen lots, each time finding a wooden sign plunked at the entrance smugly announcing that the lot was full.

In China, roadside electronic billboards not only give directions to nearby lots and garages, they crucially reveal how many empty spaces are left.

9. Computer seating maps

Canadian concert halls will tell you that Row DD, Seat 81 costs $74.95. But where on earth is it? At the Shanghai Grand Theatre, the black granite ticket counter is embedded with a Samsung computer screen which lights up with the event you want to see, showing unsold seats, colour-coded by price, and the sightline to the stage. There is even a bar stool on which to perch while you consider your choices.

Movie theatres offer the same service. You choose which film and what showing, and the screen in the counter shows you what's unsold. After you make your choice, you can go shopping or enjoy a latte until show time. No one will take your seats.

10. Free hemming

This doesn't count as cheap labour because only three people service an entire department store. In Canada, hemming a new pair of trousers adds at least $10 to the cost, plus two trips to the tailor. And you have to try them on again while you get measured.

At the No. 1 Department Store in Shanghai, the salesclerk measures you while you are trying on the pants, asking: "Will you be wearing these with high heels or flats?" If you decide to buy them, she scribbles the length on your receipt. You head to what looks like a gift-wrapping station where a man measures and chalks the pants, scissors off the surplus and flings them to two women behind him. One hems the raw edge on a machine and tosses it to the other, who stitches the final hem on another machine and presses them.

Top 9 Signs That Wal-Mart & Myspace Are Secretely Plotting World Domination

2007-05-01T22:35:00.000-03:00

1. Both are attracting losers like crap draws flies
2. Smiley Face is Tom's Alter Ego
3. They've shaved their heads and created a mini-me
4. Tom becomes the Wal-Mart poster boy.
5. Puh-lease, Myspace was so five minutes ago.
6. Proclaim their support of America. America is conquering the world.
7. They both deal in large intestines.
8. You often see comments to tom saying "Soon...very soon..."
9. "Tom" is appearing in Walmart ads

Strange Things You Likely Didn't Know - 02

2007-05-01T11:35:00.000-03:00

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)
Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.